You may’t get far more unobjectionable than Winnie the Pooh. He’s an lovely little stuffed bear who goes on adventures. It’s the form of property that will be created by somebody desperately making an attempt to revive their picture.
But, regardless of all of that, while you actually dig into his stuffing, there are some things which have by no means fairly sat proper with me. All of them half and parcel with pure Pooh canon. In different phrases, this isn’t going to be within the vein of the stunt horror trailers that really feel like a Banksy-level breakdown of what’s scary to individuals. “What if the lovable factor… was dangerous?” Whoa, don’t flip my complete world upside-down with out prior warning, Stephen King 2.0!
However there are positively 5 issues that I choose not to consider in relation to Winnie’s world…
He Retains Tearing Open
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Considered one of Winnie’s most frequent bothers is his unrelenting propensity to tear open. It’s all very cute within the context of stuffed animals, along with his fluffy little behind being an excessive amount of for his stitches to bear. However even realizing that no viscera will come flowing out of the tear in his patchwork perineum, it’s nonetheless type of gross. What number of properties have a recurring occasion of “his stitches tear open, and he desperately gathers his insides” that aren’t torture porn movies toeing the NC-17 line? It’s like one thing from one of many Terrifier films, not a youngsters’s e-book.
Maintain it collectively, man! You’re fairly actually falling aside in entrance of us.
Him Being A Stuffed Animal Soaked in Honey
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So, let’s say that, to clear the earlier hurdle, I’m all in on believing that he’s, in actual fact, a stuffed animal. That will imply that every one the textures and chemical interactions that include it might even be true. Which implies that Winnie the Pooh, the strolling, speaking stuffed animal, could be completely soaked in honey. To start with, think about the flies. He would mainly be an upholstered, ursine Candyman.
Even with out the bugs, the load and really feel of a honey-soaked stuffed animal is totally horrifying to consider holding. It’s just like the milk-soaked Webkins meme, besides stickier.
That Episode The place His Butt Turns into A Creature
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My mother most likely thought leaving me watching Winnie the Pooh ensured completely zero likelihood of her coming again to me sobbing and making an attempt to power myself behind the sofa. She was clearly not conscious (an ignorance I want I nonetheless possessed) of the truth that he was about to get caught in a door and promptly be turned into some form of horrible elder god.
It’s my honest perception that the creature from the respectable horror film The Ritual is impressed by somebody who was equally as haunted by this bizarre deer/ass creature.
Eeyore’s Complete Deal
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Transferring away from Pooh and into the secondary forged, we get Eeyore. His deal is that he’s a donkey with main depressive dysfunction. The man makes Droopy Canine seem to be Chris Pratt. Are you aware what he says proper earlier than the screencap above? “Not a lot of a home. Good for not a lot of a donkey.”
Good lord, man. Can’t someone knit this man some Lexapro? If one in every of my associates texted me any of the issues that Eeyore says, I’d most likely name in a 5150 maintain on them. Then I’d be over at his home checking the drawers for seam rippers.
Tigger
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The character’s tremendous, however it might be nice if we might give him a brand new title that isn’t half a syllable away from a racial slur. I’d simply love to have the ability to talk about Winnie the Pooh out loud with out somebody on the subsequent desk pondering I’m planning to storm the Capitol.
