“Your new life goes to price you your outdated one. It’s going to price you your consolation zone and your sense of course. It’s going to price you relationships and mates. It’s going to price you being appreciated and understood. It doesn’t matter. The people who find themselves meant for you will meet you on the opposite facet. You’re going to construct a brand new consolation zone across the issues that truly transfer you ahead. As an alternative of being appreciated, you’re going to be liked. As an alternative of being understood, you’re going to be seen. All you’re going to lose is what was constructed for an individual you not are.” ~Brianna Wiest
Over a transformative two-year interval, marked by deep interior work and self-discovery, I stumbled upon a sequence of steps that helped me discover a fulfilling partnership—steps that go far past attachment principle.
My life basically adopted the cycle of the phoenix: First, it went up in spectacular flames earlier than rising extra aligned than ever. I needed to step into complete darkness earlier than seismic shifts introduced me again to lightness.
I hope that my story helps you navigate your individual journey on the hunt for love and a long-term companion. This journey is very private for everybody, so whereas this blueprint won’t be the precise match for you, I hope it factors you in the precise course.
Earlier than we dive in, I’d like to clarify what attachment principle is and why I by no means discovered it useful for me personally.
What Is Attachment Idea?
Attachment principle, developed by psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, explores how our early relationships with caregivers form our conduct in grownup relationships.
In accordance with attachment principle, there are three main attachment types:
- Safe Attachment: Snug with intimacy and independence, safe sorts can categorical their wants brazenly with out concern of rejection.
- Anxious Attachment: Anxious sorts crave closeness and concern abandonment, usually searching for fixed reassurance and changing into hyper-vigilant to indicators of disconnection.
- Avoidant Attachment: Avoidant sorts prioritize independence and should distance themselves emotionally, feeling suffocated by intimacy.
Attachment principle is usually used to clarify why sure folks appear drawn to the identical relationship patterns, notably the basic anxious-avoidant dynamic. Anxious sorts search reassurance, which pushes avoidant sorts to withdraw, reinforcing one another’s deepest fears.
However right here’s the catch: Whereas understanding your attachment model may also help you make sense of your relationship patterns, it could not provide the sensible options you want, particularly in the long run.
Whereas it was useful studying that I used to be an anxious attachment kind, even 5 years in remedy was not sufficient to encourage me to decide on somebody safe. In the end, whereas attachment principle provided readability on why I repeated sure patterns, it wasn’t the important thing to discovering the fulfilling relationship I craved.
Issues lastly started to shift once I let go of the life that not match. Every surprising occasion was like a domino, toppling the outdated model of myself to make room for one thing new. Apparently, it began with a journal.
How Writing Reveals What You Actually Need
Most of us know we must always get clear about what we wish in a companion, however how many people have really written it down? I definitely hadn’t.
That modified when, on an entire whim, I picked up a workbook known as Single Is Your Superpower. It struck me as tacky, however there’s one thing about utilizing pen and paper that faucets into deeper, unconscious ideas—much more successfully than simply pondering issues over in your head.
Flipping to a random web page, I got here throughout a immediate asking me to write down down the highest 5 qualities I needed in a mate. At first, I rolled my eyes. It appeared too easy to be “deep” and transformative, however I did it anyway.
I assumed I already knew what I used to be on the lookout for: humor, spirituality, shared values, ambition. However what shocked me was the primary high quality that surfaced: emotional availability.
That perception was a recreation changer. I noticed my earlier deal with discovering somebody formidable had been attracting folks with demanding careers—companions who usually leaned towards avoidant.
That’s to not say that you must keep away from ambition in a companion. Removed from it! What issues is getting clear on the qualities that really matter to you so you’ll be able to see past floor traits. I started to ask myself completely different questions:
Are they formidable however nonetheless current?
Do they carve out time for issues they get pleasure from?
Or do they use ambition as an excuse to remain emotionally distant?
These questions turned the brand new lenses by which I seen potential companions.
That’s when issues shifted. With this readability, I began attracting emotionally obtainable folks, and for the primary time ever, I wasn’t preventing with my companions. I wasn’t caught within the anxious-avoidant tug-of-war.
And it began with pen and paper. So even when you suppose you understand what you need in a companion, I problem you to get out a chunk of paper and write it down. Discover some highly effective journal prompts and let your wishes unfold in ways in which simply would possibly shock you.
Don’t Let Different Folks Choose or Belittle Your Need for Love
As my relationship life started to shift for the higher—much less battle, extra significant connections—I nonetheless hadn’t discovered somebody that I needed to decide to long-term.
By the point I hit thirty, the strain round my organic “window” to begin a household turned extra tangible. Sharing this with two shut mates, nevertheless, usually left me feeling unsupported. Feedback like “You’ve loads of time” or “Why are you so afraid of being alone?” dismissed the true feelings I used to be grappling with.
The reality was, I wasn’t afraid of being alone. Positive, loneliness could be uncomfortable, however I had already performed the interior work to handle these emotions. My need for a companion got here from a a lot deeper place—a calling to construct a household, to share my life with somebody who shared that imaginative and prescient.
What I noticed is that this: If you’re being weak and speaking your true wishes, and you continue to really feel the necessity to defend your self, you’re not in the precise surroundings.
It’s important to encompass your self with individuals who not solely respect your journey however perceive that your eager for love is a power, not a weak point. Belief your self, belief your wishes, and by no means let others make you query your path, particularly when it aligns together with your core values.
This shift in perspective laid the groundwork for me to make some tough however needed selections afterward. It taught me that we have to be selective concerning the voices we enable to affect our most weak wishes.
Pursue Any Kind of Self-Discovery Work That Calls to Your Soul
A yr prior to those struggles, I participated in a strong teaching program centered round figuring out my core values, mission, and life objective. I by no means anticipated to articulate what turned one in all my extra necessary, guiding core values: being supportive of others and feeling supported by others.
The reality was, I not felt supported in these friendships I discussed earlier than.
Whereas this was taking place, I used to be additionally contemplating a profession pivot. I consulted with an astrologist to see if my beginning chart had any implications for my profession. On this journey, one other surprising steppingstone emerged.
My astrologist instructed me that I used to be well-suited for a profession in management. She additionally couldn’t assist however disclose, “You even have a really sturdy calling towards motherhood, and you will see that a novel method to steadiness work and household.” Woah.
I discovered this enormously validating as a result of it affirmed what I already knew to be true: I didn’t need a mate simply to fill the void or as a result of I feared being alone. Quite, I used to be feeling pulled by a deep calling: to begin a household.
On one stage, this was merely an affirmation of what I already knew to be true, however once we’re on a journey of self-discovery that’s peppered with occasional self-doubt, supportive modalities could be enormously useful.
For me, it was values-centered teaching and astrology. For you, it is likely to be remedy, tarot, journaling, or another type of self-discovery. Observe your instinct and lead with curiosity.
Begin with Subtraction, Not Addition, to Manifest the Proper Accomplice
As my two shut mates more and more stuffed my life with judgment and refined criticism, I started doubting myself round them. Our paths and values had been diverging (or was I merely gaining readability on what was already taking place?) making our interactions extra draining than enriching.
Regardless of my distaste for loneliness and the truth that I don’t have many shut mates to start with, I knew it was time to make a tough alternative. With intentions of honoring my values and bounds, I made a decision to distance myself, deliberately creating a major void in my life.
This void was each genuine and, at occasions, full of panic. Throughout low moments, I’d catch myself pondering, “What have I performed?!”
Nonetheless, in moments of true alignment, I knew letting go was the precise resolution. This newfound house in my life led me to ponder, “Who do I do know that emanates optimistic vitality? Who do I wish to encompass myself with?”
The primary individual that popped into my head was a colleague that I had labored with remotely for a bit over seven years. He lived in Canada whereas I lived in California, so I despatched him an electronic mail asking if he needed to hang around nearly. He enthusiastically obliged, and we turned quick mates.
Then, someday, he hopped on a aircraft to California, and we turned greatest mates. Little did we all know, that was the start of without end—as a result of now we’re married.
Whereas I didn’t realize it on the time, manifestation usually begins with subtraction. It’s simple to imagine that attracting the precise mate is about addition, however manifestation is as a lot about creating house as it’s about filling it.
Belief That Every Daring Step Is Getting ready You for What’s Subsequent
Trying again on the alternatives I made, I’m profoundly grateful for the voids I dared to create in my life—regardless of the panic they induced generally. Aligned selections aren’t at all times simple, however by staying true to my core values, I knew I used to be making the precise selections.
In hindsight, the trail appears virtually easy: Get clear in your wishes (with pen and paper!), lower away what not suits, and belief that your life will unfold with every intentional step. However whilst you’re residing it, it may possibly really feel like an limitless, clumsy fumble.
The reality is, at each step of this journey, I used to be full of doubt, but I stored shifting ahead. And every step ready me for the individual I used to be changing into.
Ultimately, the empty areas we create by letting go of what not serves us aren’t simply voids—they’re alternatives for transformation. These areas encourage us to take aligned motion and construct one thing model new.
Keep in mind, your new life could ask you to depart behind extra than simply outdated habits—it could price you consolation, approval, and the acquainted sense of who you was. However on the opposite facet of that transformation is one thing far larger: relationships that really see you, a life that deeply fulfills you, and a future that you simply had been at all times meant to step into.
Observe your instinct, embrace the unknown, and permit your self to construct a brand new life from the ashes of the outdated one.
