1. Flippy
You first met Flippy when he was however a tiny hatchling, as removed from the ocean as your SAT rating was from the seventy fifth percentile. Sadly, Flippy died a dying of indescribable horror final March when a vicious Dutch boy named Carl smashed him repeatedly towards a rock.
Sources verify that you simply have been at your sorority’s Saints & Sinners celebration when Flippy’s helpless little physique took its final blow.
“No, WITH ice—WITH ice,” you mouthed to the bartender as Flippy felt the sunshine depart his eyes.
2. Doris
From the second you seemed into Doris’s glassy, impenetrable coal-black eyes, you knew that your father’s assistant who majored in Comp Lit at Yale would discover simply the suitable phrases to explain them. Saving Doris confirmed your ardour to your father’s ardour for bond yields. Heck, in some methods, it was Doris that saved you. (IS that “a bit a lot”? Or did somebody decide the improper main, Anya?)
Sadly, regardless of the habitat you constructed for Doris—a 12 oz Peet’s cup propped up by a seashell—she was shortly caught and drowned by a industrial shrimp trawler’s internet. On the exact second when Doris’s stays reached the Japanese Seaboard, you have been Googling “yeast an infection can you continue to have intercourse” in Ibiza, however had run out of roaming. “Yeast an infection UTI find out how to inform,” you tried in a brand new tab, to no avail.
3. Pebbles
Keep in mind that phenomenology paper you plagiarized from a Reddit thread junior 12 months? If, per Nagel, it’s not possible for a human to know what it is like for a bat to be a bat, you contemplated at 3:57 AM whereas transcribing NewtMasta113’s remark chain verbatim, might or not it’s that sure life varieties expertise ache at a frequency we people can not fathom? Certainly, you added as you chased your Adderall and zinc dietary supplements with some berry lime Gatorade, might an animal theoretically really feel, in a single second, the sum-total of the struggling of all folks useless and undead—an agony so penetratingly, unendurably acute that human language itself, in its subservience to our personal feeble subjectivity, would fail to explain it?
“Oh, an animal might,” Pebbles’s disembodied soul would say, if he nonetheless had one after what these Lady Scouts did to him. “An animal might.”
4. The Fourth Turtle
You didn’t have an opportunity to call the fourth turtle earlier than it was tragically minimize in half by your stepping on it in flare heels on the Boogie Bonanza Bonfire Bash. It was a horrific, blood-curdling sight, and one you’d have actually described as a “difficult expertise that made you develop” should you hadn’t already saved that essay to your cousin’s anorexia.
For a minute, what you’d finished to the fourth turtle, you virtually questioned the very premise of American increased training: might or not it’s that it was saturated with the abuses of patrimonial capitalism all the best way down? And that our insistence on its meritocratic ethos merely added private insult to financial harm for these left behind? And that our obsession with the highest-profile admissions scandals constituted little greater than our repressed consciousness of our personal pernicious complicity within the system’s bigger ethical chapter?
However then you definately leaned nearer to the exact splotch the fourth turtle had shaped on the sand, and, staring deep into the abyss of its aborted future, sliced lengthways into everlasting nihility, you figured…
5. Yep.
…two halves of 1 turtle undoubtedly counts as two turtles.
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