Dear Valued Buyer,
It’s laborious to consider that it has been over 40 years since we first opened the doorways of Kenneth & Sons Sacks (previously Goldman’s). Today, it’s changing into tougher and tougher for mother and pop outlets like us to exist, so it means so much that you just proceed to buy with us anytime you want an enormous burlap sack with a greenback signal on the aspect.
My father, Kenneth Goldman, began this enterprise after he broke right into a financial institution, lit the fuse on a superbly spherical bomb, blasted a gap within the aspect of the vault, then regarded down at two equivalent, unmarked burlap sacks. Not figuring out the contents of the unmarked sacks, he unwittingly grabbed a sack of sweaters he’d introduced with him to donate whereas he was out operating errands and left the bag of cash behind.
As quickly as he bought out of jail, he began Kenneth & Sons with three objectives. 1) Make a top quality burlap sack that may maintain some huge cash and face up to being tossed into the backseat of a getaway automobile. 2) Clearly mark the baggage with a greenback signal so that you just don’t overlook what’s contained in the bag. And three) promote the baggage at an inexpensive worth.
We take delight in our product. We all know that there is no such thing as a higher feeling than tossing an enormous burlap sack over your shoulder after an enormous heist and peeling away in a getaway automobile or using off into the sundown in your horse. Our clients admire seeing that almost overflowing sack with an enormous greenback signal on the aspect and figuring out, no doubt, that they’ve bought a bag filled with ill-gotten cash.
You’ve trusted us with your enterprise. We’d by no means betray that belief by giving buyer knowledge to police, superheroes, or a white-cowboy-hat-wearing vigilante who operates exterior the regulation as a result of the sheriff is both too corrupt or drunk to meet his duties.
We’d additionally by no means threat shedding your belief by providing a product we don’t consider in. For years, we’ve solely provided one product: an enormous burlap sack with a greenback signal on the aspect. (We have now made a number of massive burlap sacks with footage of burlap sacks on the aspect, however we solely use these for transporting the sacks to and from the warehouse.)
We’ve had alternatives to broaden our product line earlier than. We had been provided the prospect to be the officially-licensed supplier of striped shirts, black pants, and people stick-on raccoon masks. We had been approached about promoting grooming kits for skinny, twirly mustaches. And we had a number of conferences about branded rope specifically designed to tie a damsel to the railroad tracks in hopes of getting the deed to her household’s ranch. However none of these appeared fairly proper. We’d by no means supply a product we don’t totally consider in, so we’ve got restricted our providing to only the only product.
That’s, till at present.
Introducing: the massive burlap sack with a crossed-out greenback signal on the aspect.
Don’t fear! We are going to nonetheless promote our traditional burlap sacks with the greenback signal on the aspect. However, think about the liberty of strolling out of a financial institution with a bag filled with contemporary money, the alarm ringing, sirens rising louder as they method. You see the crimson and blue lights flashing as a cop automobile screeches onto two wheels because it speeds round a nook after which… passes proper by you, the officers inside paying you no thoughts. Since you’re carrying all that stolen money in a comically giant burlap sack that very clearly signifies it’s NOT full of {dollars}; the cops are solely centered on catching the one that DOES have a sack of {dollars}. (For this to work, you’re additionally going to wish to have already eliminated your raccoon masks and returned to strolling usually as an alternative of the hunched over, bouncing, tiptoe factor).
Beginning at present, each the Greenback Signal and Crossed-Out Greenback Signal burlap sacks can be found at our storefront on Fundamental Road. Please word, we solely settle for playing cards or Apple Pay as we maintain no money on the premises.
Sincerely,
Kenneth “Sacks” Goldman Jr.
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