The USA Secret Service is below scrutiny once more after former President Donald Trump was the goal of a second assassination try in lower than three months. The Onion examines methods the company can increase Trump’s safety.
Scale back variety of ex-goon hires: The less brokers who stumble right into a room saying, “Uhh, what’s dat over there, boss?” the higher.
Put Trump in a ghillie swimsuit: By disguising the previous president in high-quality camouflage, Trump will be capable of wander the swamps and forests of the U.S. safely.
Say “Look! He’s over there!”: This age-old diversion tactic has foiled numerous assassination makes an attempt world wide for 1000’s of years.
Educate Trump the catch-a-bullet-in-your-mouth trick: If David Blaine may do it, then so can our forty fifth president.
Tweet “If anybody desires to kill Trump, please tell us, thanks,” from the official Secret Service account: Giving potential assassins the chance to come back ahead on their very own first solely is smart.
Transport Trump in an enormous suitcase: Nobody would suspect a factor.
Extra staff bonding: Whereas circuitously tied to Trump’s security, wouldn’t or not it’s good if the entire Secret Service staff did a bowling evening or one thing? Everybody has been so tightly wound recently.
Change his sneakers mid-journey: Even probably the most expert tracker will probably be thrown off by the sudden change in footprints.
Let him put on his Spider-Man costume: Trump is aware of that Spider-Man is highly effective sufficient to cease dangerous guys, so being within the costume will assist him really feel extra secure.
Experiment with a four-day workweek: Whereas it might appear counterintuitive at first, research have proven it may well result in elevated productiveness and focus amongst many staff.
Pretend his demise: No person will attempt to kill a president in the event that they suppose he’s already lifeless.
Set up a second, extra secret service: And if that fails, a 3rd.
