“The much less we discuss disgrace, the extra management it has over our lives.” ~Brené Brown
The ache and struggling I skilled as a baby, which I saved hidden for over a decade, was the very seed that gave me the power, resilience, empathy, authenticity, and braveness that I possess right now—however solely as a result of I surrendered the outdated story to embrace a brand new one. I alchemized my ache into my gasoline, my traumas as contributions to my triumphs, and my curses into my best blessings.
However all of this got here with a really hefty value.
Rising up with a single mom who labored two jobs to maintain a roof over our heads and meals on the desk and with an estranged, abusive father who robbed me of my innocence and self-worth taught me that life’s odds had been in opposition to me. This formed my identification.
I believed I couldn’t depend on or be secure round males and {that a} scarce variety of assets had been accessible for me. The abuse plunged me right into a world the place I felt I wasn’t adequate to be liked, heard, or seen, or to have the shiny life that the “Jones’s” had.
Over the subsequent decade, this led me down an extended, windy path of reckless insurrection. It wasn’t secure to be house, and it wasn’t secure to be in my very own physique, so I discovered shops to repeatedly take a look at from actuality as a result of, again then, actuality sucked more often than not.
I had no idea or precise expertise of life having penalties apart from being grounded often. Whereas my mom was doing her finest to maintain the lights on, and with no wholesome masculine position mannequin at house, nothing was slowing my self-sabotage down, or so I believed…
Then one spring day, life got here crashing down, and sheer chaos unfolded, all in a flash. A careless second introduced unspeakable chaos. It shattered households, a group, and life as I knew it—my pals, my identification, my security, my privateness, and what little dignity I had left.
This was the primary time I confronted real-life penalties, not from my mother and father however now from a decide. I used to be pressured to be sober and sit with all my demons. For numerous causes, this was one in every of my life’s scariest moments. It was a time after I was continually residing in flight-or-fight, hating myself and fearing my very own existence.
Little did I do know this hell could be my chrysalis of transformation.
It was the primary time I had no selection however to face what I had been operating from. I used to be pressured to cease pretending and face the reality.
To my shock, it was solely after I needed to dig deep into the darkish, sticky, monstrous shadow inside myself and sit within the excruciating truths that I discovered what I unknowingly wished all alongside—to be accepted and really feel worthy. However not the skin acceptance of validation and recognition. I’m speaking concerning the inner acceptance of what I had been by way of. Realizing that I’m nonetheless lovable, worthy, vivid, and exquisite, even with the shameful expertise of being abused and all of the damage I had brought on thereafter.
As this means of therapeutic and transformation unfolded over a few years, I realized this: disgrace can not dwell the place there’s reality.
Once we both hit all-time low or make the brave selection to show inward and face the elements of ourselves that we’ve denied, deserted, sabotaged, ignored, or hidden, it’s, in reality, the identical place the place we discover interior peace and energy.
That is essentially the most profound paradox of life. The darkness we keep away from is exactly the place the miracles and therapeutic await us.
So, though I used to be, as some might say, dealt a crappy hand with a traumatic begin to life, it was the fertile soil I wanted to develop.
Right here, I discovered my voice and realized the wild lesson of how hiding is far more painful than being seen. OMG, if I may scream that from each rooftop for everybody to listen to, I’d! So that is me shouting and sharing, not as an idea however as a lived expertise.
Once we lean into making our hardest trials into our best attributes, it creates deep inner power and emotional resilience. It permits us to have a brand new perspective on what really issues, enabling us to let trivial issues roll off our backs.
Life goes to have its challenges, and it’s inevitably going to present us uncomfortable experiences. So, the query is, which discomfort do you need to dwell with? The discomfort of hiding your reality, staying in self-sabotage, and being a sufferer of your previous, or the one in every of development, braveness, authenticity, and rewriting your new story?
For those who’re prepared for the latter, right here is my recommendation inside 4 practices to finally create unshakeable self-love, emotional resilience, and the fearlessness to be seen for who you really are.
1. Share your disgrace.
It’s important to discover a trusted individual (or folks) to share your disgrace with.
Once I started sharing, it was first with my brother, my finest pal, after which my therapist.
Whenever you maintain on to the disgrace, it festers. This typically results in power emotions of inadequacy and unworthiness, which might flip into self-sabotage and harmful behaviors of self-harm and habit.
Disgrace additionally creates boundaries in relationships as a result of it typically comes with a concern of vulnerability and being seen with flaws, which regularly results in blaming others and being defensive, and in excessive instances, turns into abusive and poisonous behaviors.
One other method disgrace exhibits up is in an expert setting, contributing to imposter syndrome, insecurity, and feeling unworthy of success or accomplishment. Total, holding onto disgrace can considerably scale back our high quality of life, each personally and professionally.
As I shared earlier, disgrace can not dwell the place there’s reality as a result of while you shed the sunshine of reality onto the ache, it not carries its energy over you; it dissolves. It turns from one thing to cover right into a want for one thing higher.
Whenever you share with a trusted individual, you get to expertise being seen, heard, and accepted and feeling that you’re nonetheless worthy of affection.
2. Search discomfort.
Sure, search it. You’ve received to get out of your consolation zone.
I first started to do that by sharing my disgrace, as I discussed above. I understand how excruciatingly uncomfortable it’s to share a deep, darkish, shameful secret for the primary time. It practically brings me to tears as I write this, as a result of I nonetheless bear in mind what it was like. However, talking from expertise, the considered it’s far more terrifying than doing it. I promise that while you do it with that trusted individual, you’ll really feel so relieved.
I additionally sought out discomfort by way of embodiment practices like yoga. At first, this was very overseas to me as a result of I used to be so used to being disconnected from my physique, however as time went on, I grew to become obsessive about yoga and received licensed as a trainer!
Lastly, after I was sober from all substances for 5 years, this was the primary time I really felt the disappointment, guilt, confusion, and disgrace that I carried for over a decade due to the abuse from my father. Speak about discomfort!
Resiliency and interior power aren’t created in your consolation bubble. Whenever you step into new experiences that stretch what you already learn about your self, it not solely expands your capability to be susceptible, however it additionally empowers you in new and profound methods.
3. Be genuine.
There’s nothing extra diminishing to the soul than not being who you really are, no matter which means for you at this stage in your life. Authenticity breeds authenticity. It’s contagious. When folks really feel you’re genuine, it takes the strain off them to faux and invitations them to let their guard down and be genuine, too. It’s a win/win!
When you’ve got a tough time being genuine since you concern rejection or judgment, then hold studying as a result of what I’m about to inform you is a tough reality and requires a dose of powerful love.
If your loved ones, pals, co-workers, accomplice, followers, or whomever rejects you for being really, authentically you, then they aren’t meant for you! The world wants your genuine expression. This life is simply too brief and too treasured to waste not being your most courageous, wild genuine self!
And so far as judgment goes, one other reality bomb right here: Persons are going to evaluate you it doesn’t matter what! Actually screaming this in my head as I kind. Significantly although, whichever path you decide, folks will decide—so that you would possibly as nicely be judged for being you.
Apply being genuine in a small, low-risk scenario first. For instance, say no to one thing that doesn’t align together with your values, even when it’s one thing minor, or put on an outfit that feels extra “you,” even when it’s exterior your typical fashion.
4. Let your self be seen.
As I discussed earlier, hiding is far more painful than being seen. Being seen goes hand in hand with self-acceptance. The extra you settle for your self, flaws and all, the extra keen you’re to be seen. And the extra keen you’re to be seen, the extra you’ll settle for your self! It’s a mirror that exhibits you ways you are feeling internally. Whenever you permit your self to be seen for who you’re, you disarm different folks’s judgments as a result of you’ve created confidence and embraced your self.
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For those who’re going by way of hardship now, or the subsequent time life provides you a disguised blessing, come again to those steps. They weren’t solely my saving mild within the darkness, however they’re additionally confirmed instruments for creating resilience and residing empowered.
I may have stayed in my harmful habits, however I selected to lean in after I was on the scariest level of my life as a result of I knew deep down there was one thing higher for me on the opposite facet.
Keep in mind, all of us have crappy arms dealt to us at instances, however in the long run, it’s how we play our hand that issues most.
About Naga Rising
Naga Rising is an creator, coach, and motivational speaker specializing in self-love and confidence. She wrote Naga Rising: Wildly Untamed and has been featured in Mantra Wellness, Canvas Insurgent, & LA Yoga. Naga is devoted to serving to ladies reignite their female energy, break away from self doubt, and unleash radiance to dwell authentically. Obtain her free self-care blueprint and begin your self love journey right now. See what she’s as much as these days on her Instagram.
