Dear Valued Applicant,
On behalf of the committee of my time and a focus, I remorse to tell you that your promotion request from “coworker” to “buddy” has been denied. We all know this isn’t the information you needed to listen to, however sadly our pool was stuffed with extra certified candidates or folks we already know who lived nearer. Additionally it’s come to our consideration that SpongeBob episodes are nonetheless being produced and there’s a Patrick Star spinoff, so our time quota for the quarter has been reached.
As a result of we respect the effort and time required to finish this utility, we’d like to supply some perception into our classes of consideration and choice rationale in service of your future makes an attempt at promotion.
First, your private life. Sadly, you appear steady and your associate is an honest and tolerable individual, albeit boring. Whereas that is usually a optimistic high quality, we’ve quite a few current workforce members with this ability set and are in search of somebody with weekly chaos and piping scorching tea (suppose erratic breakups or roleplay with characters from the Insurance coverage Universe).
Ought to your relationship change to considered one of intrigue, scandal, or happen with a celeb we’d wish to know extra about, think about re-applying. Nevertheless, please word buddy roles of that nature are short-term solely and will probably be terminated with out discover in two to a few months. Ought to our good regular buddy with the crock pot and funky child relocate to someplace we don’t wish to drive, we’ll completely maintain you in thoughts.
Your work competency. In your present function as Advertising and marketing Coordinator II, you seem invested within the success of the corporate and your tasks. We’re seeking to talk about the absurdity of employment, or methods we predict we might completely get away with committing fraud, and your competency and curiosity in your function signifies that these conversations are usually not permissible with you at this juncture. As you’ll be able to think about, that takes numerous friendship mileage off the desk.
Your schedule. We want protection from 11:00 PM-3:00 AM on the nights of the week the place we’ve concepts about who we’d forged in a musical model of Breaking Dangerous (M-F), and your perceived availability will not be a match. In your offered availability from 5:00-8:00 PM, we’ve strict insurance policies about not seeing any individuals who remind us that we are going to spend roughly 1 / 4 of our time on earth saying “Thanks for flagging! Will replace” to folks we might by no means add to our AMC A-Listing Entourage.
Your pursuits, usually. Throughout your interview, you talked about a number of issues that induced doubt within the committee about our compatibility, particularly your love of early morning hikes, vegan baking, and raves. These pursuits are unappealing individually and paint the committee an image of an individual with a lot self-discovery to do and we are able to’t be round for that. Ought to you end up in additional of a place to eat a brunch or watch SpongeBob (there are 15 seasons!) please attain again out.
Your expertise. Our data point out that you simply nonetheless have greater than 5 shut relationships from school which talking frankly, the committee finds bizarre. Sustaining a buddy group past an annual journey to somebody’s father or mother’s waterfront property a full decade after commencement will not be aligned with the committee’s core perception that we’re our most unbearable in school and the three years thereafter. We’re open to the likelihood that the committee is jealous of the relationships you cultivated throughout these early life, however we lack the assets and stability to conduct a full investigation at the moment.
Your present ebook of enterprise. Once more, we’re so glad that your relationship is steady, however we additionally suppose your boyfriend is fairly lackluster and it’s in violation of our insurance policies to nod warmly at males who’re so fucking boring after work hours—we’re unable to hold that shit residence. Once more, do you have to select to rebound with somebody who’s imply or egregious to a enjoyable diploma (yow will discover the precise standards in our Handbook) please notify the hiring workforce.
We can’t thanks sufficient for taking the time to use and supply your credentials, and we’re assured you’ll make one other colleague an unbelievable weekend rave grasp. As said above, we’ll you should definitely maintain you in thoughts for future positions, and sit up for our continued relationship as coworkers who take pleasure in chatting for the period of time it takes a Pikes Place pod to develop into espresso. Be nicely.
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