SPOKANE, WA—Stressing that the perfect transfer could be to simply shave the entire thing off, sources confirmed Thursday that space man Stephen Blanchet’s shitty beard had barely any frolicsome woodland creatures dwelling in it. “You possibly can inform Stephen’s happy with his so-called beard, however there are hardly any chickadees coming out to chirp a cheerful tune or chipmunks scurrying by means of in a mirthful recreation of chase,” stated coworker Sarah Tillotson, including that whereas a cheeky screech owl would sometimes come out when Blanchet was consuming to playfully nab a chew for itself, one jovial chook of prey merely wasn’t sufficient to make the beard work. “Some days there’s a vole in there, nevertheless it’s miserable and torpid as a substitute of clumsy and excitable, such as you’d hope. I believe it’s gonna die, if it hasn’t already. And the child raccoon that lives in his beard is an entire asshole and never whimsical in any respect. Rabid little fucker hissed at me as soon as. I’m sorry if this sounds imply, however some guys simply don’t have the genetics to develop facial hair harboring a joyous menagerie of frisky forest critters, and Stephen’s one in all them.” After overhearing his coworker’s disparaging remarks, Blanchet was reportedly noticed attempting to enhance his beard’s look with a chipper household of hummingbirds.
