Jesus Christ, everybody! Cease! When will this come to an finish?
We’re begging most people to stop taking over our Xtreme Spicy Wings Problem. We don’t want to see any extra poor souls go comatose as a result of they’ve succumbed to our mouthwatering, signature Hellfire Chernobyl Wings that no individual has been man sufficient to overcome. Are you actually keen on tearing the one you love’s lives asunder simply so you may style our rooster wings together with your selection of creamy blue cheese or ranch dressing?
Allow us to reiterate: each single patron who has sunk their tooth into our juicy, cooked-to-perfection wings has fallen into months-long comas that they’ve but to get up from. We’re strongly discouraging any meals vloggers, frat bros, or any self-proclaimed “spice fiends” from coming to Tony’s Tavern (off I-85, exit 17) to attempt to finest our Hellfire Chernobyl Wings Problem. It’s not price lacking your little one’s birthday so you may presumably win a t-shirt and limitless free beer for a month, amongst different nice can’t-miss prizes.
Please! Cease coming in to put up about our wings on TikTok, Instagram, or every other well-liked social media platform. We don’t want any extra viral movies of wing eaters desperately gasping for air, or projectile vomiting onto their dates, or shedding management of their bowels. Stop posting with any of our well-liked problem hashtags, like #TonysDeathWings, #XtremeWingComa, #FieryDiarrhea. The very last thing we’d like is to spice up our views to 1,000,000 by the tip of the month.
Folks’s lives are at stake.
The publicity we’ve been gaining from what was alleged to be a innocent problem has made our hearts sink. We’re begging clients to cease forming strains out the door. Don’t inform any of your family and friends about our Hellfire Chernobyl Wings, amongst different nice menu choices. Don’t underneath any circumstance flip this problem right into a enjoyable charity occasion that may little doubt garner undesirable media consideration.
You must perceive that our finger-licking sauce—which you may also purchase on our web site—is comprised of an unholy abomination of peppers banned in 23 states and 47 nations. Our components is one which has been used as a chemical weapon that violates at the least 60 articles of the Geneva Conventions. Don’t even take into consideration the bragging rights you’ll have amongst your boys for popping out of this problem unscathed, since you’ll be very a lot scathed!
So no extra! Sufficient! After studying our warning, you are most likely considering, “Ha! I can deal with these pussy-ass scorching wings.” Properly, we guarantee you: you may’t. So don’t come into our restaurant throughout our common enterprise hours 3 PM-12 AM, Tuesday by means of Sunday, to order our irresistible, melt-off-the-bone rooster wings. Not even for our two-for-one completely satisfied hour particular on Thursdays.
That being mentioned, if, for no matter godforsaken cause, you might be nonetheless insistent on taking over our wings, we ask that you just signal a waiver defending us from all authorized recourse in case of harm, choking, scarring, psychological anguish, madness, organ failure, or dying. And if you’ll be able to end all of the wings in underneath ten minutes, the invoice will likely be on us. (Not the hospital invoice.)
However no extra! This insanity should cease right now! And for the animal lovers, be sure you by no means ever strive our Vegan Hellfire Chernobyl Wings.
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