Dear Future Pulitzer Prize Winner,
Out of the tons of of submissions in our inbox, each from seasoned writers and supposedly promising newcomers, not a single one has the cachet wanted to tug our journal out of the dire pit of tedium during which we discover ourselves. Although you might have by no means pitched us, we heard you as soon as had a column in your faculty newspaper that individuals appeared to take pleasure in fairly effectively, and due to that we all know you are the one one who can save our publication.
Sincerely,
The Editors of the Most Prestigious, To not Point out Excessive-Paying, Literary Journal on the Market Right this moment
Pricey Future Previous Fundraising Coordinator,
As a result of outstanding technological strides remodeled the previous a number of months, now we have commissioned a generative AI bot named “Quick Larry” to deal with all elements of this and future fundraisers. Your providers as fundraising coordinator are now not required. Please settle for this spa reward card on your troubles, together with our thanks for being one of the best (human) coordinator we have ever had, despite the fact that our fundraising efforts are barely underway and you actually did not should do something but.
Sincerely,
The Group Group for Which You Agreed to Deal with the Subsequent Fundraiser With out Actually Pondering It Via
Pricey Nobel Prize Nominee,
Your dedication to vegetarianism and to recycling plastic meals containers so long as what’s inside is not too moldy and disgusting has carried out extra to fight local weather change than any quantity of lobbying, grassroots organizing or technological development may ever accomplish. You might be invited to fly in our new sustainable constitution aircraft to Aruba (now we have determined to take a break from Stockholm this yr) for the awards ceremony, full with five-star lodging and a promise out of your husband that he’ll do all of the stuff you wish to do with out complaining, not even as soon as, about how sizzling it’s.
Sincerely,
The Nobel Prize Committee
Pricey Would-Be Supermodel,
After I noticed you strolling down the sidewalk having simply picked up your kids from college, I knew I needed to monitor you down and beg you to let me characterize you. From the way in which the unkempt strands of your hair knotted round one another like so many intricate silk scarves to the expressiveness of your face as you advised your son, “Hey, genius! You are going the fallacious approach,” I’ve by no means come throughout anybody who oozes “mannequin materials” from their very essence the way in which you do. I am attaching a number of paperwork that show indisputably that I am a authentic modeling agent and undoubtedly not a creeper who desires to make a snow globe along with your lifeless pores and skin flakes because the snow.
Sincerely,
The High-Grossing Agent from a Prestigious Modeling Company
Pricey Former Classmate,
I simply need you to know that I used to be desperately in love with you in highschool, and my life is a tepid facsimile of what it may have been if I had solely had the braveness to ask you out. Relationship all these ladies who went on to turn out to be actress-slash-research-scientists was simply to distract myself from how intimidated I used to be by your magnificence and intelligence. I write this with no expectations, as a result of I do know your life is fantastic and glamorous (congratulations on the Pulitzer Prize win, the Nobel nomination and the modeling contract, by the way in which). I simply wished to let you already know that I understand how extremely dumb I used to be again then.
Sincerely,
Your Excessive Faculty Crush
Pricey Fellow Driver,
A couple of days in the past, you had been backing out of a parking area once I honked my horn at you. I’ve since mirrored on this incident and felt compelled to trace down your electronic mail handle so I may let you already know that I’ve seen the error of my methods. You had been way over midway out of the area once I reached you, which suggests it might have been customary for me to cease and provide the proper of approach as a substitute of swerving in dramatic style as if, someway, you had been the one not listening to the place you had been going. I rescind my honk and provide my sincerest apologies.
Sincerely,
The Girl within the Black SUV from the Goal Parking Lot
Pricey Electronic mail Person,
Congratulations! You’ve gotten set the report for “most inbox logins in a single day.” This honor comes with the prize of an all-expense-paid journey to our Silicon Valley headquarters, the place you’ll be able to meet a few of the nice minds who make all of it potential. Simply kidding. We’re really going to electronic mail your loved ones to allow them to know you are in want of an intervention. In the event that they’re even half as obsessive about checking their electronic mail as you might be, they will be gathered in your lounge throughout the hour.
Signed,
Your Electronic mail Supplier
P.S. Simply kidding about that complete intervention factor. We wish all of our customers to be identical to you!
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