Two years after overturning Roe v. Wade, the Supreme Courtroom is that this week listening to arguments in a case that would curtail or get rid of nationwide entry to mifepristone, generally referred to as the abortion capsule. Listed here are among the issues that would occur when the courtroom finally points its choice.
French Ladies Will Learn About This And Suppose, ‘Man, That Blows’
In France, the place abortion entry was lately enshrined within the structure, tens of millions of girls will look at a headline about this; assume, “Jeez, that’s tough”; and shake their heads. They’ll in all probability assume this in French, although.
Supreme Courtroom Will Change into Nation’s Chief Scientists
Swapping out their black robes for white lab coats, the 9 justices will turn out to be the main consultants on questions relating to mobile biology, evolutionary psychology, geology, quantum physics, oceanography, astrophysics, and extra.
Most likely Have To Pull Aspirin And Flintstones Nutritional vitamins From Market Too
Given mifepristone’s fatality charge of 1 one-thousandth of a single p.c, the Meals and Drug Administration may also have to think about pulling Tylenol and Pepto Bismol from the market.
The Supreme Courtroom Might Double-Overturn ‘Roe v. Wade’
The courtroom may probably be so hopped up on energy over ladies’s our bodies that they double-overturn Roe, ensuing within the ruling being restored to its full energy.
Abortion Rights Expanded After Justices Vote 9-0 To Legalize Mifepristone In All 50 States
Our therapist mentioned we would have liked to cease being so pessimistic.
People Will Be Compelled To Brew Their Personal Mifepristone In Bathtub
A touch of povidone K30, a pinch of anhydrous colloidal silica, and a splash of grapefruit juice, only for taste.
It Would Make It Tougher To Kill The Antichrist Rising Inside You
New restrictions may considerably hamper the flexibility of girls in conservative states to entry the medication essential to kill the demon spawn that grows inside.
Mommy Will Have To Take A Journey To California For A Little Whereas, Okay?
Are you able to be little boy and assist Daddy round the home whereas Mommy terminates the undesirable fetus inside her?
Non-Virile Males Will Lastly Be Rewarded
Eventually, males who instantly ejaculate into their denims or can’t keep onerous sufficient to penetrate their feminine companion—thereby providing no danger of being pregnant—will turn out to be a sizzling commodity.
It Might Give An Edge To Democrats In November
Actually? Ladies everywhere in the nation are struggling, and all you select to give attention to are the electoral penalties for a bunch of do-nothing losers who failed to forestall this within the first place? Un-fucking-believable.
Miscarriages Will By no means Occur
They solely occur now as a result of ladies know they’ve the choice.
Samuel Alito Could Lose His Standing As A Feminist Icon
Regardless of his previous many years of goodwill, the affiliate justice will probably by no means once more be given the chance to write down the introduction to books by Judith Butler or chair the fee for any upcoming Ladies’s Marches.
The Maryland Tourism Board Might Use A Win
If the courtroom takes away telemedicine entry to mifepristone, this protected haven for abortion rights may promote Baltimore as a viable vacation spot for determined People in want.
Extra Ladies Will Be Compelled To Terminate Pregnancies By Having Ozzy Osbourne Chew The Head Off Their Fetus Like It Was A Bat
There are, nevertheless, Supreme Courtroom circumstances within the pipeline seeking to restrict the heavy steel star’s skill to soundly finish a being pregnant by tearing a fetus’s head off together with his enamel and spitting it right into a cheering crowd.
Mass Protests By Nation’s Genitals
If the abortion capsule is banned, vaginas and penises from throughout the nation will converge on Washington in an uproar.
The Drug’s Producers Will Be Fantastic
Don’t fear, they at all times come out on high.
No Manner She’s Going To Let You Hit It Uncooked Now
Child, please, we promise we’ll drive you to Canada if we now have to.
Paranoid People Tripling Or Even Quadrupling Up On Condoms
Fuck it, let’s simply placed on the entire field.
Alternative For Cartels To Rating Some Feminism Factors
It will be nice for enterprise and their manufacturers.
Audiences Will Not Get pleasure from ‘Joker: Folie à Deux’ As A lot
The jukebox musical sequel to the 2019 movie starring Joaquin Phoenix might be barely much less satisfying as a result of audiences must take into consideration how tousled their nation’s strategy to reproductive freedom is.
Have To Discover New Excuse Not To Attend Protests
Ooh, sorry, we will’t, we now have our, uh, anti-racist e-book membership that day.
Street Journey!!
Seize your passports! Vamos a México, chica!
Extra Competitors For Tammy Mae In The Lil’ Miss Texas Contest
Simply when everybody thought she had it locked up, right here comes an entire new crop of toddlers.
Celebration-Man Dan Can No Longer Come On Bachelor Celebration Journey
He has to remain residence and handle his buzzkill of a pregnant girlfriend now.
Aspect Piece Could Get Fats With Child Inside
Now she’s as gross as your spouse.
Might Ban Ladies From Utilizing Computer systems
It’s the one strategy to crack down on telehealth.
‘Pac-Man’ Arcade Cupboard Tougher To Play
Massive bump makes it onerous to achieve the joystick together with your arms, and that bastard Inky is relentless.
Compelled Births
Oh wait, that already occurs. By no means thoughts!
Ladies Going To Nag Extra
Cripes, not one other factor for them to complain about.
Nancy Pelosi Will Promote A Lot Of Inventory
About 30 minute earlier than the ruling is introduced, Pelosi will promote all her shares in GenBioPro, which manufactures mifepristone.
