After the Iowa star turned the all-time Division 1 scoring chief with 3,900 factors this yr, The Onion interviewed males who defined why they might outscore Caitlin Clark.
Sam Gorodetsky, Police Officer
“I’ve a gun, and Caitlin Clark doesn’t.”
Doug Titian, Piano Tuner
“I don’t know. I suppose I simply have the form of wholesome sense of self-confidence that comes from being raised by affected person, loving mother and father.”
Randy Gilbert, Dentist
“Males are at all times higher than ladies at sports activities. I ought to know. I simply beat my 6-year-old daughter in a sport of one-on-one final week.”
Tim McDawson, VP Of Gross sales
“She wastes time bouncing the ball towards the court docket, presumably as a result of her arms are too weak to only carry it round the best way I might.”
Alejandro Ramírez, Sustainability Advisor
“She’ll be too distracted by my disgusting physique to give attention to her shot.”
Greg Williams, Used Automobile Salesman
“I’m truly not normally that positive of myself, however I’m 8-foot-3, which has to depend for one thing.”
Will Gaffney, Restaurateur
“Caitlin Clark? Is that the lady who acquired shot within the head by the Taliban?”
Nathan Gold, Unemployed
“I’ve solely seen pictures of her on my cellphone display screen, so appropriate me on this if it’s unsuitable, nevertheless it does seem that she’s 3 inches tall?”
Fred Lopez, Actuary
“Ladies don’t eat sufficient protein to carry up a basketball.”
Bud Tuchovsky, Barista
“I acquired locked in a fusion chamber with a basketball, which gave me the unimaginable energy to dribble my complete physique and roll in all places. Caitlin Clark has nothing in comparison with that.”
Timothy Pollack, Dentist
“Sheer, unadulterated gall.”
Luigi Montivaldo, Enterprise Capitalist
“My muscle mass have induced me to pop each inflatable ball I’ve ever picked up. And which means I win by default. It does. No, you’re not proper. Learn the NBA guidelines. That’s what it says. You don’t know what you’re speaking about.”
Marco Hills, Engineer
“I’ve an IQ of 148 and a Ph.D. in aerospace engineering. She doesn’t even have her bachelor’s but.”
Busby Edwards, Auto Technician
“I’ve considerably extra physique weight than her. It’s all fats concentrated in my abdomen, and I’ll wrap that round her and suffocate her to demise on the outset. Then I’ll spend the subsequent hour taking pictures baskets subsequent to her physique. Hopefully, I can rating just a few of these, after which I’ll win.”
Joshua Velez, Pharmacy Technician
“All issues are attainable via Christ, who strengthens me.”
Bruce Williams, Data Safety Analyst
“I might merely yell ‘Kobe’ whereas taking pictures the ball and let his blessed angel do the remainder.”
Andrew Nixon, Information Scientist
“Twenty-two is historical for a girl. I’d most likely let her win as a result of she’s so decrepit.”
Robert Gannon, Orthotist
“Ladies’s baskets solely depend for 78% of the factors males’s baskets do.”
Fred Salazar, Dental Entrepreneur
“The identical confidence that helped me develop the Whizzit toothbrush. The Whizzit is an overclocked 10,000 RPM toothbrush that may clear your enamel in 1 / 4 of the time wanted by a typical electrical brush. I ought to point out there have been some vital issues with gum bleeding and tooth enamel being torn off throughout most makes use of. However these are kinks. All I want is $1.5 million in seed funding, and you’ll be a part of the Whizzit dental revolution right this moment.”
Brent Clark, Vice President Of Operations
“As a result of I’m her father, and I stated so.”
Aaron Landry, Affiliate Professor
“I may simply take a pregnant girl. She’s pregnant, proper? Most ladies are pregnant.”
Larry Vaughn, Veterinarian
“I’ll get inside her thoughts and mess together with her sport by placing down her cat.”
Alan Harris, Market Analysis Analyst
“Straightforward. I’ll yell ‘Brick!’ and she is going to miss each time.”
Gautam Patel, Meals Stylist
“Oh, sorry, I used to be pondering of Caitlin Clarke, the late American actress greatest remembered for portraying Valerian within the 1981 movie Dragonslayer and Charlotte Drake Cardoza within the Broadway musical of Titanic. My mistake.”
Dylan Evans, Sommelier
“I’m a greater shot than my persistent gout would have you ever consider.”
Patrice Medley, Adjunct Professor
“I’ve stalked and killed my very own dinner. I’ve camped out on snowy mountaintops for weeks with nothing however a trowel and a blanket. As long as our sport is 5 weeks lengthy and takes place someplace on the Appalachian Path, I’ll obliterate Caitlin Clark.”
Levi Michaelson, Statistician
“Watch this—shit. Watch this—so shut. Watch this—nope, robbed on that one. Watch this—that one was a follow.”
Joe Washington, Genetic Counselor
“I might merely distract her with a glass of wine and a chocolate bar.”
Tony White, Lawyer
“I’ll sue her for defamation if she makes me seem like a idiot on the court docket.”
LeBron James, Athlete
“Do I’ve to reply this? I really feel prefer it’s simply going to return off making me look actually unhealthy.”
Grant Wilkinson, Information Analyst
“By way of a Machiavellian scheme through which I transfer to Des Moines, befriend her household physician, uncover her meals allergic reactions, and lace her Gatorade with sesame seed oil solely minutes earlier than competing 1v1.”
Lance Stevens, Realtor
“As a result of I’ll be carrying tactical gear and she or he gained’t see me coming.”
Robert Moore, IT Supervisor
“I’ve been actually good concerning the health club this yr. I’m going to Planet Health at the least thrice a month.”
Darryl Porter, Net Developer
“She’d most likely break a nail and cry about it. That’s what occurred to me final time I attempted to play basketball.”
