Woo, Macedon Excessive! Go Hoplites! Are you able to imagine it’s been twenty years? Loopy! Haha no Alex was just a few years behind us. I’m Allen. See my nametag? Alex might be off increasing the bounds of the Western world or one thing, the madman. How’ve you been?
No, I’m undecided when he’s getting again into city.
This seems like a good unfold however this wine is hella weak, didn’t anyone spike it? God we’ve gotten so lame! Nah, empire-building is extra Alex’s factor. I promote fish tanks. However I’ve two shops now so you possibly can say I’m constructing an empire of my very own haha.
Now please excuse me whereas I smash these goat meat sliders tougher than Alex smashed the Persians at Issus… and with out using heavy cavalry!
Hey do you bear in mind the time we snuck that goat into homeroom? Yeah after all I bear in mind the time Alex did that epic trident transfer to win the Gladiator Bowl. He did that yearly. However that goat prank was fairly epic too proper?
Certain, I believe he’s fairly busy in Egypt however I’ll inform him you stated hello.
Yo, let’s beef up this wine with one thing somewhat stronger. Block me so Principal Papadopolous can’t see. I believe a type of cataracts could solely be partial. Why wouldn’t it work? I’ll not have Alex’s sensible tactical thoughts however we’re speaking about spiking a wine bowl right here, not subjugating Asia Minor. C’mon, type a phalanx!
My little brother is a brilliant man, I’ll give him that, however it’s fairly simple to get straight As when your personal tutor is freaking Aristotle. My tutor was some mutant named Darren. Oh, sorry Darren. Didn’t see you there.
Bottoms up, Hoplites! Twenty years!
You recognize, Alex could have revolutionized warfare and geopolitics, becoming a member of thousands and thousands beneath his banner to profoundly form the course of historical past, however have you ever ever tried balancing the pH of a fish tank that incorporates each neon tetras and African cichlids? Now that requires technique. After all you’d by no means co-tank these two species for apparent causes.
Hey, the place are you going?
Oh I agree, work-life stability is so necessary. Not like a sure golden-haired workaholic I’ve a great deal of hobbies, like coin-collecting. To not brag however I’ve over 300 cash in my private assortment, although Alex’s face is printed on most of them.
Talking of priceless treasures, do you see that plaque on the wall? Proper behind that bronze statue of my brother? No, the opposite statue the place he is choking out a lion. The plaque that claims “All-State Discus Championships”? Guess who you may discover talked about there. Properly yeah after all Alex, he captained the group to first place the identical weekend he seized Babylon. However I am on there too, beneath “Particular Due to All Our Followers.” Not by title, however it’s implied.
So girls, guess who’s nonetheless single as a surf clam. No, I meant me. Alex has wives, boyfriends, concubines, you title it. It’s like, go away some fish within the sea for the remainder of us, blondie!
No, I don’t know if he’s in search of one other spouse presently.
Truthfully, the enduring thirst for my brother is insane. I do know Alex is reduce like a conqueror and effortlessly bisexual, however I have been getting my steps in and I kissed a man as soon as. Certain it was on a dare and on the arm, however do I get no credit score? Do I get ZERO bisexual credit score?
You recognize, it hasn’t at all times been simple being in my brother’s completely symmetrical shadow. On the one hand you’ve obtained Alexander the Nice: Emperor, world-historical determine, worshiped as a dwelling god, and however you’ve obtained me, Allen the Ample: native observe and discipline fan, numismatist, and purveyor of sullen guppies.
All people desires to speak about how nice Alex is however once I point out my latest op-ed in Aquarium Aficionado no person offers a crap. And once I convey up golden boy’s bloodbath at Thebes everybody calls it bitter grapes.
The world doesn’t revolve round my brother, even when he technically conquered half of it. Should you suppose he’s so flawless you need to odor his post-goat farts.
No, I truly can’t prepare that.
Hey, this vino is lastly hitting! I’ve obtained an thought, Hoplites! Let’s spray-paint “ALEXANDER THE GROSS” on the facet of the health club. Would not that be a freaking epic, legendary, world-historical prank?
Hey, the place are you going?
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