It’s no secret that faculty textbooks don’t cowl the entire of American historical past, and that essential details about this nice nation are sometimes omitted to serve a story. Within the identify of holding reality alive, The Onion presents these actual accounts from American historical past that the “woke” left doesn’t need you to know.
Most Of American Historical past Took Place In The Previous
Most—nearly all, really.
The First Native American Tribe Didn’t Step Foot In The U.S. Till The Eighties
So-called “indigenous” folks crossed the Bering land bridge a mere 40 years in the past, when shoulder pads have been every little thing and MTV was all the fad!
Slaves Owned George Washington
That’s proper. The primary president was too good to say something about it, however his slaves really owned him.
Whites Had been Solely Counted As Two-Fifths Of A Particular person
Three-Fifths doesn’t appear so dangerous now, does it?
1776 Is The 12 months In Which The Declaration Of Independence Was Written
Woke liberals will let you know the Declaration of Independence was written in 1893 or 2349 AD, however these are lies! They’ll attempt to arrest you or get you fired for saying otherwise! Don’t allow them to confuse you!
The Freedom Riders Usually Exceeded The Pace Restrict
Have they no respect for the rule of regulation?
Abraham Lincoln’s Head Blew Up After Coming Up With The Thought For Trans Individuals
John Wilkes Sales space wasn’t even in a position to get a shot off earlier than Lincoln absent-mindedly thought-about the concept that somebody would possibly someday search to resolve their gender dysmorphia via sexual reassignment surgical procedure, a thought that brought about the sixteenth president’s mind to blow up everywhere in the Ford’s Theatre balcony.
MLK Jr. Was A Males’s Rights Activist
As a lot because the left tries to co-op him, the very fact is Martin Luther King Jr. was marching to outlaw youngster assist.
Hitler Invaded Poland In An Try To Eradicate The Woke Thoughts Virus
And he would have completed it too, if it weren’t for these snowflake Allied forces.
Harvey Milk Was Truly Straight
Sadly, the Mayor of Castro Avenue was killed earlier than he felt snug making it heterosexuality public.
Japan Requested The US To Drop The Atomic Bombs So That It Would Have An Excuse To Invent Godzilla
The complete premise of a huge irradiated lizard wouldn’t make sense in any other case.
All Of Thomas Jefferson’s Kids Had been Conceived Utilizing IVF
Whereas some declare the previous president had inappropriate sexual relationships together with his slaves, his offspring have been actually conceived via in vitro fertilization.
Pol Pot Was Unfairly Canceled For Merely Killing 2 Million Cambodians
Not the primary particular person to be put out of labor by the woke Vietnamese mob.
Many Slaves Earned $70k A 12 months Plus Advantages
Adjusted for inflation, many enslaved African People had salaries upwards of $70,000 a 12 months, along with nice perks that included medical insurance, free weekly pizza, and eight weeks of paid day without work yearly.
America’s First Capital Was Situated Inside A Bass Professional Store
The Founding Fathers really wrote the Second Modification whereas milling round outdoors the gun division.
The ‘Protesters’ Exterior Central Excessive Faculty Had been Solely Attempting To Sing The Little Rock 9 Blissful Birthday
They aren’t screaming in these previous images. They’re serenading.
George Washington’s Enamel Had been Plastic
These enamel have been manufactured from 100% nonrecyclable supplies. None of this sustainable picket tooth shit.
Betsy Ross Used AI To Create The American Flag
The AI program really scraped the designs of a number of hundred completely different flags from internationally and mixed these of Nice Britain, Malaysia, and Liberia.
George Washington Was A Jordan Peterson Fan
The reality is within the frilly pants.
America Got here With The Border Wall
The woke left desires you to suppose the federal government erected towering partitions draped in barbed wire, however the reality is that they have been already there when European colonists arrived.
The ‘Blacks Solely’ Water Fountains Tasted Higher
Liberals would possibly attempt to make segregation appear to be a foul factor, however the water that got here out of these fountains was completely unmatched.
All People Are Straight, White, And Cis
Those that declare in any other case are merely performing out for consideration.
