The Historic Greeks simply beloved telling the story of Atlas, the titan cursed to carry up the burden of the world. So what? I’m a mortal lady within the twenty first century, and I carry extra tonnage on one shoulder each single day.
Go on. Contact my trapezius muscle. No, contact the opposite aspect.
Yeah. I do know. I might check out for the Olympics with this one-sided physique, and but I couldn’t movie a Vogue “What’s In My Bag” video as a result of there isn’t sufficient cupboard space on YouTube for the contents of what’s inside.
However you recognize what does have sufficient cupboard space? My purse.
I dare you to achieve inside my bag. You’ll pull out precisely what you want. Sunscreen from each nation. Cough drops in any taste. Hand sanitizer in spray, gel, and wipe kind. Tampons and pads, relying in your circulation persuasion. Three several types of painkillers. My whole skincare routine and the routine a TikTok dermatologist really helpful on my FYP final night time. That’s proper, I carry your entire apothecary. Security pins in an Altoid tin, proper subsequent to my monogrammed taser. A half-full water bottle. Full-sized Tabasco bottle. Band-aids and outdated band-aid wrappers I haven’t bothered to wash out. Two courtside Knicks tickets for tonight’s sport. A reusable purchasing bag. A non-reusable purchasing bag. Three-and-a-half totally different outfits in case I alter my thoughts after leaving the home. 5 nail polish bottles in numerous shades of ochre. Funnily formed ice dice containers. And if you happen to unzip the zippered compartment, you’ll discover the eighth marvel of the world proper beside my restricted version Hubba Bubba gum, miscellaneous receipts, an outdated fortune cookie, and stray one greenback payments.
I’ll by no means be in need. I’ve by no means identified lack.
I’ve a common adapter, each charger wire identified to mankind, and backup battery after backup battery. However let’s simply say you utilize up the entire energy in my bag, and your telephone dies whilst you’re on the transfer? That’s okay. I’ve a Kindle with your entire Amazon library downloaded on it. And the whole lot that was within the Library of Alexandria, too. (I even have AA batteries and battery-operated Walkie Talkies. One for me, one for you.)
Girls boast the virtues of attire with pockets. Please. There usually are not pockets large enough for the issues I need to carry. When Succession coined the phrase “ludicrously capacious bag” in season 4, I misplaced my rattling thoughts. After which discovered it. In my ludicrously capacious bag.
What else is on this ludicrously capacious bag? Cutlery—a knife, spoon, fork, spork, knork, knoon. Snacks. Certainly one of each granola bar model from the CVS on Smith Avenue. (They’re a bit smooshed as a result of they’ve sat on the backside of my bag, however I promise these are nonetheless edible.) I’ve a number of Lean Cuisines in case I get busy whereas I’m on the go. I even have a conveyable microwave, simply in case there isn’t one wherever I’m going. I additionally threw in your entire Paris Hilton Walmart cookware set and obligatory dishwashing provides. There may be nothing extra embarrassing than asking to make use of your host’s services. I wouldn’t need to be a hassle!
However you’ll by no means discover me asking anybody for something as a result of I have already got the entire solutions. (In my purse.)
You may name me the “mother pal,” as whether it is my accountability to offer and your birthright to obtain. I resent this label. “Mother pal” reduces me to an archetype, like I’m the smart sage with no storyline whose sole goal is to coddle the protagonist and allow you to obtain your future.
Effectively, screw that! I’m the absolutely geared up protagonist who carries a big purse! What do you even carry? Oh, a frayed Michael Kors wristlet from 2012 that may’t does not your entire bank cards? I chuckle at you, and I wipe away the tears in my eyes with certainly one of my 36 double-sided foldable Kleenex worth packs, which is among the many issues I carry in my large bag. Discuss to me when you may handle the comings and goings of a medium-sized rucksack.
Preserve rifling by means of my bag. No, I do know it’s impolite to undergo a girl’s purse, however simply this as soon as, I offer you a move on behalf of all girls. Go on, and open up.
What’s that? Why, it’s Jimmy Hoffa’s physique and the misplaced colony of Roanoke! Wager you weren’t anticipating that! I’ve the whole lot in my purse, you idiot! EVERYTHING.
I do know what you’re considering. How can she declare to hold a lot in a bag that small?
Effectively, you’re pathetic. Nobody questions how Atlas can carry the burden of the world on his shoulders, and that’s unarguably extra complicated than my scenario. I guess no person questions this logic as a result of Atlas is a MAN.
In reality, I’m extra spectacular than Atlas and Sisyphus and some other tragic delusion mixed. Not solely do I carry the crippling weight of the world in a purse, I additionally stroll round with it. I guess my purse weighs greater than Sisyphus’s boulder, and I guess I jog at a steeper incline after I take to the treadmill at my gymnasium. (Talking of which, you do NOT need to understand how heavy my gymnasium bag is.) This purse weighs me down, however I’m stronger.
Anyway, what have been you saying? You’re going to the grocery retailer for a fast run? Positive, I can go. Let me seize my bag.
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