WASHINGTON—In what was extensively thought to be a misfire by the 81-year-old as he formally bowed out of the 2024 election, President Joe Biden repeatedly flubbed his exit speech right this moment, saying he would “rule the nation with an iron fist for one thousand years.” “Tonight, I, Joseph R. Biden, vow to take again my rightful throne atop the nation and proceed my violent reign of terror till the tip of time,” stated a visibly shaky Biden, who, regardless of his greatest efforts to string collectively a coherent resignation, let loose bloodcurdling screams, held up a human cranium, and threatened to swiftly vanquish any American silly sufficient to oppose him. “Although I could not be the Democratic nominee, I shall as a substitute be the Supreme Chief of the US of America, and all 340 million Individuals will tackle me as such. In any other case, I shall burn our nation’s cities to the bottom and bathe within the ashes. I shall drink the blood of my enemies. And all shall cower earlier than the divine will of Joe Biden! You fools. Ha ha!” At press time, worried-looking aides had been shuffling Biden off-camera and telling the press corps that his repeated order to ‘Bow all the way down to the Almighty Biden or be doomed to perish’ was the results of his battle with a lifelong stutter.
