We’re sorry to listen to you need to cancel your gymnasium membership. Our largest concern is the consolation of our members. However because you don’t need to be a member anymore: Welcome to hell!
Our cancellation course of is three straightforward steps (for authorized causes) and one horrifically arduous step (for apparent causes).
Merely full all of the prompts beneath, together with the ultimate process of battling the immortal Minotaur in our gymnasium basement.
Step One
Signal into our on-line portal.
Step Two
Go to Account Settings.
Step Three
Click on the “Affirm Cancel Membership” Button.
Step 4
Unsheath that broadsword, silly mortal! Hop off your desk chair and safe passage to considered one of our many areas (now open in Calabasas!). Let the gymnasium supervisor know you demand fight with an age-old beast who feeds on the hubris and lightly-toned our bodies of our members.
Rapidly reply our riddles three (why you’d prefer to cancel, something we will do to maintain you as a member, and the way dare you problem the mythic would possibly of the Minotaur).
Affirm some fundamental particulars (identify, handle, battle-ax or scimitar), in addition to present dental data to assist native authorities affirm your identification, in case the duel goes precisely how we count on it to go for somebody who ran out of breath on our Stairmaster.
We’ll prorate your remaining annual membership, so select your refund methodology: test, financial institution switch, or a pouch stuffed with gold cash to discount with the Minotaur. The bull-beast is never swayed by human trinkets, however at our gymnasium, something is feasible with exhausting work and pleading shouts to the merciful gods of yore!
Stumble blindly down our fog-cloaked hallway (we simply added a Members Solely Spa!) and forged your self into the lair of our bovine monstrosity. If you happen to can’t discover it, merely ask considered one of our useful Gymnasium Attendants, who will gladly provide you with directions to the struggle pit and cackle with glee while you ask how for much longer the cancellation course of will take.
Lastly you’ll arrive, face to snout with the Minotaur. As you gaze upon his hideous visage, weathered by violent millennia, you’ll tremble upon weak knees (you all the time skipped leg day).
Now you’ll have the prospect to supply worthwhile suggestions in regards to the cause to your cancellation (we’re assuming you merely shivered with fright in the course of the Riddles Three portion of the method). Go forward and seize the pen and paper conspicuously ignored for you…after which rapidly understand it was a mere ruse by the Minotaur! He has little want for buyer opinions.
The one CSAT rating this ferocious animal cares about is with the ability to “C” you, “SAT” on you, and “rating” you for his last meal. Within the time it takes so that you can ask us why we’re together with dangerous jokes like that on this lethal portion of our cancellation course of/struggle to the dying, the Minotaur has already gained on you!
He’ll dangle you between his meaty hoofs, taking part in together with his prey, emptying your puny pockets of your final remaining possessions (except you’re a California resident; you will have wonderful privateness legal guidelines that even a mythological creature can not bypass).
With the style of hundreds of fallen gymnasium patrons on his breath, he’ll snort the final phrases many ever hear: “Are you positive you want to cancel?”
You’ll fall to the chilly, linoleum flooring and utter the fateful phrases of wayward souls earlier than you: “Really no must cancel, I’m good, completely good, no must struggle a violent cow.”
And we’re so completely happy to listen to it! Loyal members like you might be why we’ve got a zero-percent cancellation price! Please tell us when you have any questions sooner or later, and in the event you ever want to cancel once more, merely bear in mind the way it felt to look into the glowering eyes of Dying himself!
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