Congratulations. You’ve been bumped up from Triple-A and have formally made it to The Present. “The Present” is what we gamers name the foremost leagues, however in fact you knew that already—you’re a goddamn baseball participant! However you continue to have quite a bit to be taught, buddy, if you wish to stick with us within the Majors.
It’s not all caviar and champagne; simply a few of it—like 40 p.c. SHUT UP! Don’t communicate. I’ve quite a bit to say.
First off, you need to know who you’re speaking to. I’ve been left fielder on this workforce for 50 years, which suggests I’ve been across the block a couple of occasions, 50 occasions to be actual. Rumor has it they’re pondering of buying and selling me to the Tigers, however that’s all it’s—a rumor. Nobody has caught extra foul balls, hit extra foul balls, or stolen extra foul balls from kids than me. I educated each scrub who’s walked by these doorways: Mickey Mantle, Albert Pujols, Ted Bundy. They might have been nothing with out my assist.
You’re questioning how I received my begin? Easy—janitorial work. Matt Damon and I are deep within the weeds in a lawsuit as a result of you possibly can’t simply go round stealing the story of how you bought your begin.
However sure, it’s true—I’m the janitor who went to the chalkboard and drew the proper baseball diamond. However these pompous, rule-following coaches can’t ever change me. I’m a diamond within the tough. I gained’t ever cease doing velocity.
I see the best way you are taking a look at me; you’re questioning how a 65-year-old man with a bum leg and a ticket for public urination remains to be making his means across the pitch. Properly, should you should know, I lately took a little bit of a pay lower. And a title lower. And I began mopping up after practices once more. I would be the worst participant within the league, however I’m the Babe Ruth of unclogging bogs.
My recommendation is to remain humble. Don’t begin dishonest in your spouse instantly. Wait per week or two. Present some respect for the sport.
Each day, I get right here on the first light and kiss the mound. Actually get in there, tongue, caressing, telling the mound my desires and fears—how we must always simply go away this loopy city and get a casa on the water.
My level is you need to create some relationships right here. You gotta belief your workforce. We do a weekly poker sport to create a way of comradery. I’m within the gap fairly dangerous. I took out a mortgage to cowl it, however I’m on a little bit of a dropping streak. I’ll get out of it. I all the time land on my ft.
Do you bought any cash on you? Nah? Oh, not in your baseball pants, that’s fantastic. I’ll ask you once more later.
Talking of cash. Don’t let it change you. You suppose I all the time had this ruby-crusted crown and velvet gown? You gotta earn these items. Don’t make any large decisions on the finish of the season. That’s one thing Tina Fey stated about SNL, however it applies right here trigger baseball additionally has seasons.
Oh, you’re shocked I do know who Tina Fey is? You suppose I’m just a few illiterate man who can’t sustain with these East Coast comedy elites? Properly, I had intercourse with Tina Fey, and it went fairly okay, not that it’s any of your corporation.
I do know you gotta go to the toilet, and me speaking to you is making it so you possibly can’t go, however I assumed we must always have this discuss now—earlier than the remainder of the workforce begins mendacity to you about how I’m a nasty man and also you shouldn’t lend me cash.
Child, you’re gonna be fantastic. You bought a very good head in your shoulders and I just like the lower of your jib. Simply bear in mind to maintain your chin up and hit straight. Or hit wherever you are attempting to hit. Simply don’t hit me, ha. Properly, I hear the coach coming in, guess I ought to go to the mound and begin my day.
See ya later, participant, and welcome to The Present.
Associated
Assets
