Greetings Dad and mom,

If you’re receiving this, it’s as a result of your youngster was a part of the Cedar Canyon Excessive Curling Workforce. I’m saddened to tell you that the staff might be disbanding for the next causes:

  • Cedar Canyon Excessive has by no means truly had a curling staff.
  • “Coach” Jensen was by no means employed by the college. He has truly been banned from faculty grounds a number of instances for beginning unauthorized groups and golf equipment. Sadly, his means to shortly develop and elegance his facial hair, mixed together with his intensive assortment of eyewear has made his ban troublesome to implement.
  • Mr. Jensen has not gained eight gold medals in curling. Actually, it’s unclear whether or not or not Mr. Jensen has even seen curling earlier than (when questioned, he was unaware it’s performed on ice).
  • Earlier than the “Curling State Championship” Mr. Jensen, sporting an especially shortly grown handlebar mustache and coke bottle glasses, snuck into the college and arranged an unsanctioned pep rally for the curling staff—which, once more, doesn’t exist. Consequently, he generated faculty spirit beneath false pretenses and there was hardly any enthusiasm for the soccer staff’s pep rally later that afternoon. I imagine that is what prompted the soccer staff to lose the district championship.
  • The “State Championship” occasion this previous Saturday was, as a lot of you famous, not a state-sanctioned championship occasion. I apologize to all of you who met early Saturday morning painted your vehicles in help of the college and staff, and drove in a caravan for 45 minutes to the curler skating rink in Fairmont. For any of the dad and mom who couldn’t make the journey, fear not, you didn’t miss something. What passed off couldn’t be referred to as curling in any capability. As an alternative, it appears college students and fogeys had been made to observe Mr. Jensen carry out an prolonged, choreographed curler skating routine with 12 of his buddies, all of whom are named Todd. There’s nothing inherently improper with all of them being named Todd, but it surely’s bizarre proper?
  • We’re the Cedar Canyon Excessive Bulldogs (the women basketball staff is the Girl Bulldogs, it’s not clear why we now have to make that distinction, however we do). We’re not The Scorpions. The kick-ass leather-based jackets Mr. Jensen embroidered with massive scorpions are towards the college gown code and might be confiscated and stored in my workplace besides on Thursday nights when the Math Division and I do Billy Idol karaoke.
  • Mr. Jensen introduced in a motivational speaker earlier than the “State Championship.” The speaker, oddly, was truly an Olympic curling bronze medalist. Nevertheless, he was additionally named Todd. However, he wasn’t a part of the crew of Todds Mr. Jensen went curler skating with. The place is he assembly all these guys named Todd?
  • Curling groups often have 5 folks (together with an alternate). Coach Jensen had a roster of 89.
  • The extraordinarily massive roster has prompted a majority of the PTA to be “curling staff” dad and mom. This outsized energy and illustration has given them the flexibility to elect two faculty board members who subsequently added to the required summer season studying checklist Mr. Jensen’s self-published e book titled: Principal Anderson Has Bizarre Legs.
  • Regardless of the outrageous measurement of his staff, there have been tryouts. Ninety youngsters tried out. So he solely lower one child, and that child was named Todd. One thing is clearly happening right here however we spent the final board assembly discussing it and nobody can determine it out.
  • One time Mr. Jensen advised a few of the different academics that he noticed me Googling “meals apart from asparagus that may make your pee scent extra “attention-grabbing.” Once I denied it, he advised me to drag out my cellphone in entrance of everybody and present my search historical past. So I did, however after I opened my cellphone I unintentionally revealed a Reddit thread on r/longshins the place I used to be discussing vogue ideas for males whose knees are a lot increased up their legs than you’d count on. He references this in his e book the entire youngsters now should learn and my lawyer says there may be nothing I can do about it.
  • Regardless that the “State Championship” Mr. Jensen took your kids to was pretend, he did convey again what seems to be crudely modified bowling trophy boasting Cedar Canyon because the fourth runner-up in “culring (sic).” As a present of goodwill, will probably be displayed within the trophy case the place the soccer staff’s district championship trophy would’ve gone had they not misplaced because of a lackluster pep rally.

Hopefully this intensive checklist makes the reasoning behind our resolution clear. I do know a lot of your kids might be saddened to lose an extracurricular exercise, fortunately a person with massive, bushy sideburns and horn-rimmed glasses simply walked into my workplace and has generously supplied to start out up a unicycling membership for any former curlers.

Sincerely,

Principal Todd Anderson

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