CHICAGO—Circling across the 100-foot-tall ceremonial mascot because the sharp beat of drums echoed, attendees of the Democratic Nationwide Conference reportedly set a large picket donkey ablaze exterior the United Middle Thursday to make sure 4 extra years of liberal rule. “Settle for this holy sacrifice, O gods, and listen to our slightly-left-of-center pleas!” chanted nude Iowa delegate Phil Shepler, his voice rising in unison with greater than 50,000 of his fellow Democrats as they joined arms and reveled within the glow of the towering flames, expressing hope the burning plywood donkey that now stuffed the world with billowing smoke would earn their occasion the favor of electoral deities. “Hear us, O profitable nominees gone earlier than us! Hear us, FDR, Truman, JFK, LBJ, and—although you’re not fairly there but—Carter. We humbly entreat the heavens to simply accept the soul of this donkey in order that we could also be supplied with one other time period of Democratic rule, ideally with management of Congress, too.” At press time, sources confirmed the stays of Joe Biden had been discovered amid the ashes left on the world ground, the weary and disoriented president having reportedly fallen asleep contained in the picket donkey after mistaking it for an Amtrak categorical to Wilmington.
