Chicago is internet hosting the 2024 Democratic Nationwide Conference in August. The Onion examines the whole lot town is doing forward of the DNC.
- Extra Police: If this doesn’t work, town will go together with its backup plan of much more police.
- Energy-Washing Lake Michigan: A whole lot of metropolis workers are scrubbing grime and graffiti to have the physique of water squeaky clear by August.
- Funneling $25 Million Into An Alderman’s Spouse’s Flower Store: Tasteful floral preparations are the spine of any profitable political conference.
- Nothing: Look, everybody has rather a lot on their plate nowadays. Chicago thinks it’s cool the DNC is coming to hang around, however don’t count on a red-carpet rollout.
- Take away The Italian Beef Stains On All Chicago Flags: For the reason that metropolis wasn’t anticipating out-of-town visitors for some time, town is scrambling with Tide to Gos to scrub up all of the Italian Beef juice stains from town flags.
- Developing Olympic Village: Somebody fucked up and thought the Olympics had been coming to Chicago, and now town has to demolish its brand-new housing complicated.
- Give The Conference Ground A As soon as-Over With The Zamboni: Delegates must skate on easy, even ice.
- Ordering 5 Giant Pizzas: Three can be pepperoni and two can be cheese, for the vegetarian attendees.
- Sending Lori Lightfoot On An All-Bills Paid Cruise To The Bahamas: DNC leaders thought it could be finest to have the eccentric former mayor as removed from the conference as doable.
- Dyeing The Chicago River: In honor of President Biden, the water can be turned milky beige.
