KENOSHA, WI—Shocked on the act’s failure to profit his temper in any discernible means, utterly alone 37-year-old Doug Kaczmarek informed reporters Friday that he had actually thought blowing out a birthday candle in his darkish condominium would cheer him up. “Huh. I anticipated sitting on my own within the shadows and blowing out a single candle to do the trick, however I don’t really feel higher in any respect,” stated the solitary man, who famous with shock that, if something, his smooth, light sobs had solely elevated in frequency now that he sat in whole darkness in his studio condominium, surrounded by the smoke of the extinguished flame. “On reflection, it’s potential I made a mistake by doing this at my kitchen desk, the place I can see all of the empty chairs that I suppose I bought for all of the shut pals I by no means made. Although on second thought, possibly the issue is that whereas lighting the candle, I merely hummed the ‘Completely satisfied Birthday’ track as an alternative of slowing singing the phrases aloud: ‘Completely satisfied birthday to me. Completely satisfied birthday to me.’ In spite of everything, how else am I alleged to know to whom the track is directed?” Kaczmarek then reportedly sighed and confirmed that he would higher perceive the place he went flawed when he tried this once more in three weeks, when his precise birthday rolled round.
