At the moment, billions of readers like your self navigated to The Onion looking for dispatches from America’s Best Information Supply. Like so many have performed by means of the many years, you likely entered the hyperlink in a glazed stupor, hoping to see reporting of grave significance. Nevertheless, right now, this was to not be. You see, The Onion is in our possession, and what occurs subsequent is completely as much as you.
Merely put, you need to give us $1 instantly or The Onion will disappear ceaselessly.
That is no idle menace. For each hour you wait, one journalist from their steady of 37,865 reporters will likely be laid off. For every single day that passes with no monetary contribution from you, one other sector of the web site will go darkish. The archive, which now we have been knowledgeable is of some appreciable historic significance, will likely be scrubbed by means of magnetic erasure. Copy after copy of the bodily paper will likely be thrown into the collective bonfire. Already, our skilled technicians are navigating by means of the web site and deleting each occasion of the letter “T.” Quickly, they’ll transfer onto the letter “E.”
What’s going to you do to cease this?
You may ask who we’re. Nevertheless, that is of little concern when the sword of Damocles hangs over considered one of civilization’s most beloved publications. Do you perceive the stakes right here? Editors will likely be eliminated. Printing presses destroyed. Will you do what is required to stem the bleeding? There isn’t a time to quibble. Relaxation assured, speak is affordable. Cash speaks.
We’re being affordable. You, the guileless reader, holding out hope in opposition to hope that The Onion will persist with out your monetary contribution—you are the unreasonable one right here. You bear full duty for what unfolds within the coming days. In the event you ever wish to set eyes upon America’s Best New Supply once more, donate. Donate now. Donate right here.
You will have been forewarned.
