“Eradicating outdated conditionings from the thoughts and coaching the thoughts to be extra equanimous with each expertise is step one towards enabling one to expertise true happiness.” ~S.N. Goenka
I simply spent ten days sitting in absolute silence with about 100 strangers, time I beforehand thought I ought to’ve spent networking and making use of for jobs as an unemployed twenty-something with little financial savings and no property, dwelling in a totally new nation with no community or job prospects.
There have been no conversations, no eye contact, no listening to music, no train, no studying or writing—simply silence, with twelve hours of meditation every day.
I utilized to this system on a whim, was accepted off the waitlist the day earlier than it started, and purchased my airplane ticket impulsively the night time earlier than. With little time to arrange and even much less certainty about what lay forward, I couldn’t shake the sensation that maybe this was precisely the place I used to be meant to be, even when it wasn’t what I initially had deliberate.
This retreat is a course on Vipassana meditation, a observe I found by Dhamma.org, taught by the religious guru S.N. Goenka. This historical method, deeply rooted within the teachings of Buddha, requires intense concentrate on the bodily sensations of the physique, observing them with out attachment or aversion.
The intention is to domesticate a deep sense of equanimity and perception, resulting in a extra balanced and peaceable frame of mind. It’s a journey inward, stripping away the layers of noise and distraction to disclose the true nature of our existence.
After all, the web site paints a serene and enlightening image. Whereas it actually is all these issues, there have been moments once I questioned my resolution. At instances, the retreat felt much less like a sanctuary of peace and extra like a self-imposed jail.
This retreat was undoubtedly one of many hardest issues I’ve ever executed, however it was additionally one of the crucial transformative. It fully rewired my mind and adjusted my relationship with myself.
After these ten days, I emerged as probably the most current and clear-headed I’ve ever been. Vipassana is commonly touted as a path to enlightenment, and it proved to be greater than only a meditation method. It’s a rigorous self-confrontation, an unfiltered dialogue with the incessant chatter of 1’s ideas. On this house of relentless introspection, I got here head to head with the uncooked, unedited model of myself.
This expertise got here at a vital time in my life, having not too long ago give up my steady and glitzy job in leisure to pursue a dream of dwelling overseas, devoid of job safety, a help community, or pals. The insights and readability I gained by Vipassana meditation arrived at a second after they had been most wanted, clearing a psychological fog that appeared to have clouded my imaginative and prescient for years.
And right here I’m to share the teachings and revelations from these transformative ten days.
The Expertise
The retreat came about in a hostel nestled in a distant village in Austria in late winter. After I arrived for the Vipassana meditation course, the cool and crisp air that was typically shrouded in mist buzzed with anticipation.
It was “day zero,” and we members chatted frivolously as we checked in, handed over our belongings, and met our roommates.
As our vow of noble silence commenced after the 9 p.m. orientation, the sense of solitude set in. We knew that beginning at 4 a.m. the following day, our routine could be drastically completely different.
The primary three days had been devoted to Anapana meditation, specializing in the sensations of the breath on the nostrils and higher lip. Whereas the idea was easy, the problem for me was substantial, particularly as a result of bodily calls for.
Having simply discovered to ski the day earlier than, I suffered from extreme aches in my shoulders, neck, and again from repeated falls on onerous snow, making it troublesome to take care of a single sitting place for prolonged intervals. The ache was a continuing distraction, and looking out round on the quiescent members within the meditation corridor, I felt acutely alone in my discomfort.
Regardless of feeling remoted in my struggles, I quickly seen one thing uplifting. After every meditation session, relieved by the candy sound of a gong, everybody would rush exterior to stretch and shake off their stiffness. Some even sneaked in a couple of yoga poses or cardio stretches behind bushes (which is often prohibited). Watching everybody stretch and transfer, I spotted that even in our quiet, solitary struggles, we had been all discovering our personal methods to ease the strain and really feel a little bit of aid.
By the fourth day, we transitioned to the core observe of Vipassana meditation, which concerned a extra intricate psychological strategy of scanning every a part of the physique with “unwavering equanimity” to really feel sensations all through.
The early days of this observe felt like a psychological battlefield. Repressed feelings and ideas that I had lengthy distracted myself from now screamed in my thoughts, making a cacophony of feelings swirling in my thoughts.
I believed I’d solely wrestle with wanting to go away once I felt unfavourable feelings. Nonetheless, I discovered that even constructive feelings like inspiration, hope, and motivation had been simply as unsettling. These uplifting emotions made me wish to run house and take motion simply as a lot as emotions of disgrace or unhappiness did.
By halfway by the fourth day, nonetheless, I skilled a major breakthrough. My psychological focus crystallized; the incessant chatter quieted, and for the primary time, I managed to take a seat immobile for a full hour.
This newfound calmness was soothing, and I used to be satisfied it heralded a smoother path forward. Nonetheless, day six proved to produce other plans. At 4 a.m., I used to be jolted awake by a panic assault, my coronary heart racing and a nagging tightness in my chest, plunging my thoughts into turmoil and shattering the calm I had discovered. The serenity I had felt was changed by a torrent of unfavourable ideas that felt inescapable.
After this, I thought-about asking to go away throughout my subsequent every day session with the assistant instructor. Nonetheless, when the time for my session arrived, I mirrored on my experiences and seen a small however significant shift in my psychological state. This glimmer of progress gave me the energy to persevere and keep dedicated to the method.
The instructor, noticing my misery, supplied reassurance that my intense emotional expertise was a traditional a part of the method, advising me to face these feelings with equanimity somewhat than judgment.
This pivotal dialog jogged my memory that experiencing a spread of feelings is an inherent a part of being human.
The retreat, although intensely difficult, taught me precious classes in regards to the transient nature of feelings and the energy present in communal endurance. By the top, I not solely gained insights into my very own psyche but in addition developed a deeper compassion for others, recognizing that regardless of our particular person struggles, we share a typical journey of progress and discovery.
Insights and Reflections
Feelings
From that pivotal sixth day onward, my method to my feelings and to meditation itself developed profoundly. Slightly than being overwhelmed by my emotions, I discovered to look at them from a distance, recognizing their transient nature and gaining insights that I may apply to my life past the meditation cushion.
Beforehand, I had a profound misunderstanding that I wasn’t simply experiencing emotions—I used to be enshrining them as immutable truths, anchoring my identification and selections to their fleeting presence. I had been utilizing my feelings as a barometer for actuality, attaching unwarranted significance to every emotional wave with out recognizing their transient nature.
For instance, if I felt anxiousness a couple of resolution, I would interpret that anxiousness as an indication that the choice was mistaken somewhat than as a pure response to uncertainty. This led me to keep away from doubtlessly useful however difficult alternatives merely due to the discomfort they invoked. Equally, if I skilled pleasure in a scenario, I would overly decide to it with out vital evaluation, mistaking transient happiness for long-term achievement.
Nonetheless, by aware statement, I started to know the ephemeral nature of feelings—they arrive and go, typically influenced by myriad exterior and inside elements that don’t essentially have a direct correlation with the target actuality of the conditions that provoke them.
This perception led me to a extra nuanced understanding that whereas feelings are legitimate experiences, they aren’t definitive guides to motion. They’re, somewhat, one part of a broader decision-making course of that must also contain rational evaluation and reflection.
Self-confidence
Furthermore, I got here to know that in search of exterior validation for my selections was pointless. The idea of a “greatest” resolution is elusive; what actually issues is making decisions that resonate with my private beliefs and values.
This profound interval of self-reflection allowed me to turn into extra comfy with myself and to belief my very own judgment. This shift was extremely liberating, significantly at a pivotal second in my life the place I confronted the daunting job of selecting between two vastly completely different paths, every enveloped in its personal uncertainty.
I spotted how a lot of my previous habits was pushed by a necessity for exterior validation. It wasn’t at all times about in search of approval, however somewhat in search of another person to affirm my decisions, to nod in settlement, or to offer me the inexperienced gentle to proceed with my plans. Unbeknownst to me, I had been stifling my very own instincts and insights, inadvertently relegating the authority over my life to others.
Every alternative I make, grounded in self-awareness and self-compassion, leads me down a path that contributes to my progress and studying, whatever the final result.
This attitude shifts the main focus from concern of constructing a “mistake” to an understanding that each step taken is a component of a bigger journey in the direction of private achievement and knowledge. By being current and dedicated to myself, I can navigate life’s uncertainties with confidence, understanding that every one experiences are precious and that my interior steering is a dependable compass.
Love
Previously, I noticed love as a vacation spot, a objective to be achieved, wrapped in expectations and particular outcomes. This attitude handled love as one thing to be acquired passively—a sense handed down somewhat than actively cultivated. My method was centered round management, making an attempt to steer love towards a preconceived notion of what it ought to appear to be, typically ignoring the dynamic and evolving nature of real connections.
Love as an act, somewhat than only a feeling, transforms it from a passive state to an energetic engagement with life and the folks in it. It’s about pouring into relationships freely and generously, not desiring to obtain one thing in return however to foster a real connection and mutual progress.
This shift in perspective has taught me to understand love’s delicate presence in life—the way it’s not simply present in grand gestures or declarations, however within the quiet, on a regular basis actions that bind lives collectively. Understanding love as a fluid, evolving pressure somewhat than a static objective has freed me from the burdens of expectation and management.
Real love is about being strong and durable with somebody while not having to outline each second or cling too tightly. It’s about letting love for others—romantic, familial, pleasant, even for strangers and animals—circulation with out possession.
Contribution
This developed understanding of affection profoundly influences how I method my profession and contributions to the world. Beforehand, I noticed my profession primarily as a method to chase private achievement, pushed by the often-cited recommendation to “observe your passions.” Whereas this was empowering, it additionally stored me in a bubble of self-focus and entitlement, the place I used to be extra involved with discovering the right job that will maximize my happiness.
Nonetheless, as my idea of affection matured, so did my view on my skilled life. I started to see my work not simply as a way for private achievement however as an opportunity to contribute to one thing larger than myself. This shift in interested by love—as one thing you give with out anticipating a selected final result—has mirrored in my profession method.
Now, my profession selections hinge not solely on what brings me pleasure or makes use of my expertise but in addition on how I can use these expertise to positively impression others. It’s about leveraging what I do know and may do for the higher good, not only for my very own success.
Embracing this broader perspective has made me extra acutely aware of the interconnectedness of our actions and our collective well-being. Simply as love builds bridges in private relationships, a profession grounded in contribution and repair can foster connections that result in neighborhood progress and enchancment. It’s modified how I set skilled objectives: as an alternative of simply aiming for private milestones, I concentrate on creating worth that uplifts others.
Connectedness
On day ten, we lastly broke our vow of noble silence after breakfast. After talking with the opposite members, a profound realization emerged—though our particular person narratives and life experiences had been markedly completely different, the emotional outcomes and insights we arrived at had been astonishingly related. This fascinating distinction highlighted that, regardless of our distinctive paths, at our core, we really feel the identical elementary human feelings.
This commonality in our emotional responses underscores a deeper, common reality in regards to the human situation in that we’re extra interconnected than we’d imagine. The emotional threads that join us don’t differ significantly from one individual to a different; pleasure, sorrow, concern, and hope are common experiences that transcend particular person circumstances.
Vipassana meditation, targeted on observing one’s personal thoughts and physique, amplifies this realization by stripping away the superficial variations and revealing the underlying uniformity of our emotional nature.
This realization served as considerably of an ego dying, the place the sense of being profoundly distinctive or a particular case diminished. It delivered to gentle the collective human expertise, suggesting that whereas our life tales add richness and selection to the human expertise, the emotional panorama we navigate is shared. We’re not remoted in our emotions; somewhat, we’re a part of an enormous continuum of human emotion that binds us collectively.
Embracing this understanding fostered a profound sense of empathy and solidarity. It diminishes the ego’s insistence on our separateness and highlights the shared journey of progress and understanding that all of us endure.
The Return to the World
The morning after day ten was one other humbling second. I acquired my cellphone again, and turning it on was overwhelming. In simply ten days, life had moved on with out me—pals acquired promotions, deliberate journeys, made large profession jumps, ended relationships, and started new ones.
It was unhappy to overlook out but heartening to return to constructive developments of their lives. This distinction served as a poignant reminder of the impermanence and relentless tempo of the world round us and the significance of discovering grounding in our interior selves.
Upon returning to the actual world, I felt a profound alignment between my thoughts and physique that I hadn’t skilled earlier than. I may see issues as they had been, not simply as reflections of my inside dialogue. I wasn’t caught in my head anymore; I may decelerate, be with myself, and truly take pleasure in my very own firm—one thing that used to terrify me.
It’s virtually as if the expertise altered my mind chemistry. For the primary time, I felt regular in my very own pores and skin, a sensation that was solely new to me. Rising up within the digital age, I hardly ever, if ever, had the chance—or the necessity—to take a seat with my ideas for greater than ten minutes. Permitting myself the house to take a seat, really feel, and assume deeply was not simply precious; it was a profound and uncommon expertise that I imagine many individuals deny themselves in our fast-paced, trendy world.
General Reflections
Reflecting on my latest Vipassana retreat, it has turn into evident how such experiences are profoundly related in at the moment’s fast-paced, typically superficial world.
Throughout these ten days of deep introspection, I confronted layers of myself that had been cluttered with unresolved feelings and unexamined ideas.
In a world the place motion is prized, stillness could be revolutionary. It’s not nearly silencing the chatter of the skin world—together with the moment suggestions loop of social media that we depend on for our shallowness and selections—however extra importantly, understanding the interior dialogue that shapes our notion of ourselves and our lives.
Recalling my preliminary reservations about spending valuable time in silence once I may have been networking or job looking, I now see how misplaced these issues had been.
My Vipassana expertise didn’t magically resolve all my challenges or reply all my questions. Nonetheless, it profoundly reshaped how I view my journey by life. It wasn’t about discovering an ideal job and even excellent peace, however somewhat about studying to navigate the inevitable ups and downs with a bit extra grace and much more self-awareness.
This deeper understanding has not solely helped me respect the quiet moments of reflection however has additionally ready me to have interaction extra meaningfully with the bustling world round me.
About Sophia Reeder
Sophia is a proud UCLA alumna and a public relations skilled within the leisure business, working with prime artists and brokers. When not navigating the fast-paced world of PR, she writes about holistic well being and wellness, whereas training yoga and mindfulness. Lately, she accomplished a four-month journey by Europe, volunteering on self-sustaining farms, embracing a way of life that blends her love for journey, wellness, and private progress.
