Good Day, junior gents and younger women. My title is Brown, Parson Brown.
Sure, the Parson Brown. The very one whose title you could have usurped on your Winter Wonderland follies. Phrase has reached my rectory that my title is being merrily attributed to swiftly constructed snowmen and utilizing them for much more swiftly officiated weddings.
Effectively, pay attention right here, you nogoodniks: Identification theft is a criminal offense and my good popularity is being tainted as parishioners from Scranton to Monticello are listening to that I’m randomly marrying kids in the course of snowy meadows. This snowman marriage ceremony racket is a shame to the great title of clergymen in every single place.
I didn’t spend seven years finding out for my ordination on the seminary, serve out one other 4 as a missionary within the Chilean jungles, after which get assigned to this frozen wasteland of rural Pennsylvania in order that some snowball with a corncob pipe might waltz in and begin handing out marriage certificates to child-brides! It’s downright insulting. The place does it finish? Ought to I be frightened a couple of snowman displaying up at my church to provide the Creation sermon? I don’t see any snowmen providing tax recommendation or promoting farm acreage.
You can’t go round pretending that snowmen are appropriate marriage officiants, it’s not allowed, not within the American authorized system and positively not within the Good Guide. I’ve been the touring Parson for this parish for nigh on 20 years, and I’ve had nary a criticism from townsfolk in regards to the frequency of my visits in relation to their marriage ceremony plans. But, you roll up a few snowballs, jam a carrot into the pinnacle, slap on some coal buttons, and, voilà, a licensed minister… based on the misguided whimsy of the vacation season. If that had been the case, I’d be out of a job sooner than you would recite all 5 verses of “Whereas Shepherds Watched Their Flocks.” Now there’s a high quality Christmas Carol.
Let’s not even get began on the authorized ramifications right here. That is the Thirties; kids can’t simply marry as a result of a snowman asks, “Are you married?” It’s a must to be a mature sixteen years of age for the duties of marriage.
And keep in mind this as you conspire by the hearth: There are strict legal guidelines in opposition to unlicensed marriage ceremony officiating, which is a Class A misdemeanor and carries a punishment of as much as one 12 months in jail.
My ordination is not only a enjoyable interest—it got here with a authorized certification and an ethical responsibility. My job isn’t so simple as simply having two individuals recite vows. Each city I go to, I’m inundated with requests from calf-love {couples} on the lookout for a fast “no questions requested” marriage ceremony. Effectively, I’ve a sit down with each supposed Abraham and Sarah to ask them questions, and supply them seek the advice of, ensuring they’re prepared for the dedication of marriage. What’s the cause you wish to get married? What number of kids do you intend on having? Are you each dedicated to constructing a lifelong partnership grounded within the church?
Let’s see your snowman do this!
So, to the snowman impersonators on the market, think about this a warning: I’m not afraid to carry the total weight of God, the church, and the regulation down in your frosty unordained heads. Identification theft is not any laughing matter, and unauthorized weddings within the winter months will not be tolerated.
I’m Parson Brown and I’m right here to knock you down.
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