You colossally idiotic piece of ice. Did you suppose you’d by no means must face the results of your actions? By no means must face the Celine Dion ballad? Properly I, the Titanic, am right here to inform you that karma’s a bitch and it’s coming for you within the type of local weather change.
You possibly can’t escape the warming of the planet. The place are you going to go? You possibly can’t even attempt to dodge it like I tried to dodge you the evening you tore into my starboard aspect like I used to be a bit of Christmas ham.
You dumb pee-stained ice dice, do you perceive how embarrassing it’s to be sunk in your maiden voyage? You made me appear like a idiot. All the opposite ships laughed at me! I used to be meant to be faultless! Unsinkable! I didn’t even get to see the US! Even that pretentious blowhard, the Mayflower, made it to America!
Nevertheless it’s okay as a result of now I shall have the final chortle as the warmth dome that engulfs the ocean makes you and all of your iceberg mates soften like popsicles within the palms of Las Vegas showgirls.
At evening, whereas the soggy critters that stay inside my cabins sleep, I dream of your well timed expiration: Iceberg caught in a twister in the course of the Atlantic, Iceberg working away from California wildfires, Iceberg liquefying within the alligator-infested swamps which have overtaken Orlando, Florida. All of those situations deliver me a peaceable evening’s relaxation.
Oh I’m sorry, Iceberg, are you sizzling? Do you want a tiny private fan? Possibly some central air? Properly you’ll be able to’t have them!
Individuals say to me on a regular basis, “Wasn’t it your fault for hitting the iceberg? You had been warned a number of occasions that icebergs had been forward.” However to them I say, blasphemy! I’m the Titanic goddamn it! It is best to have gotten out of the best way!
Moreover watching your moronic physique slowly thaw into nothing, the factor that makes me most joyful is realizing that earlier than I met my demise, I left behind a carbon footprint the scale of Texas to wreak havoc on the world’s local weather. What a fantastic thought, in my very own small manner, I’ve contributed to your heated assassination.
Sure, I do know technically local weather change will rain devastation down on human beings. Many will die and lots of extra will endure however since not a type of people ever even tried to avenge my dying, allow them to succumb! Allow them to see the way it feels to be humiliated by an issue of their very own making!
I’m so gleeful by this flip of occasions that I reached out to James Cameron to pitch Titanic 2: The Titanic’s Revenge. He cherished the thought! Too unhealthy you’ll by no means get to see the movie. Jim received’t have the ability to begin pre-production till he finishes Avatar 7 and by that point you’ll be lengthy thawed.
Sadly, Leonardo DiCaprio received’t have the ability to reprise his position within the sequel as a result of should you keep in mind appropriately, he died within the film and it was all of your fault.
I wouldn’t name myself spiteful and to show this to you, you salty nimrod, I’ve organized a present. I’ve employed you a four-person orchestra to serenade you as you slowly defrost and grow to be one with the ocean. I hope it does simply nearly as good of a job preserving you calm because it did my 1st class passengers.
Thank God for local weather change for it fills my chilly, moist soul with pleasure realizing that in the long run, it’s certainly my coronary heart that may go on and never you, you witless, bird-shit-encrusted iceberg.
Associated
Assets
