I know we stated no presents… however I simply couldn’t resist! I used to be on the retailers, decompressing after my lunch with Carol (she’s “gluten-free” once more), and I made a decision to pop into the Nordstrom Rack. That is the place I discovered it—the ugliest shirt you’ve ever seen.
I simply needed to get it for you.
Don’t you adore it? It’s received a pleasant excessive collar, however three-quarters-length sleeves, so it’s not too formal. You would put on it out with your pals, or to job interviews, when you cease bartending! And the sample is SO distinctive. I received you an XXXL, because you appear to like carrying garments that don’t fit your needs correctly. It’s going to undoubtedly be too large, even for those who’ve placed on a couple of kilos.
Admittedly, the colours are a bit vibrant, however I requested Carol, and she or he stated that her daughter stated that orange could be very “in” proper now. You bear in mind Carol’s daughter, don’t you? Melody? With the eczema? She was an actual chunkster, however then she began distance swimming. She’s in legislation college now, by the best way. You must meet up along with her! You would put on the shirt!
What’s that? You don’t assume the shirt is kind of your fashion?
That’s the single most hurtful factor I’ve ever heard in my complete fucking life.
I purchased you this shirt as a result of I believed you want to it. However apparently I’m a TERRIBLE MOTHER, as a result of it’s “not fairly your fashion”! Would I put on it? Properly, no, however you wouldn’t wish to put on one thing your uncool mother would put on, would you? Would Carol’s daughter put on it? After all not, however she’s going to be a lawyer. You’re not like that, sweetie. You’re inventive.
No, I didn’t imply “homosexual.” Please don’t put phrases in my mouth! If I meant “homosexual,” I’d’ve stated “homosexual.” For the file, I don’t have any downside with you being homosexual. Generally, I want I have been homosexual! Then I wouldn’t need to put up together with your father, am I proper?
Do not roll your eyes at me!
Simply so we’re clear: for those who don’t IMMEDIATELY put on this shirt out, I WILL kill myself. Properly, possibly not, however I’ll undoubtedly make it look like I would! You must perceive—my shallowness is totally and inexplicably tied to this shirt. I NEED you to love it. That’s simply the way it works. And for those who don’t, I’m going to guilt journey you so onerous you’ll nonetheless be apologizing in your eulogy!
What’s that? You adore it? Oh darling, that’s fantastic information! I knew you’d! You may put on it out tonight, to dinner with Gam-Gam! You’re going to get so many compliments! And who is aware of? Possibly our waiter will likely be homosexual, too.
Oh, I virtually forgot—I received you some matching pants! I do know, I do know, however I couldn’t resist. They’re saggy and lined in holes, simply the best way you want them.
And don’t fear sweetheart—they’re from the boys’s part. God forbid you put on something that flatters your determine.
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