“It is AT&T. We apologize for Thursday’s outage, which can have impacted you. As a valued buyer, your connection issues and we’re dedicated to doing higher.”
— Textual content despatched by AT&T to its clients on Friday, February 23, 2024, 6:51 PM EST
7:00 PM: It’s AT&T once more. We didn’t hear again so we simply thought we’d test in once more. How are issues? How’s your Friday night going to date?
8:27 PM: Hello. AT&T once more. However you in all probability know that. Is your connection working OK? If not, be assured we’re not accountable this time. We’ve bought it lined. If we induced one other outage straight away, we’d be a fairly awful supplier, wouldn’t we?
9:27 PM: Hey it’s us once more. Your buddies at AT&T. Who else could be texting you this late?
9:48 PM: Simply to circle again to our first message. We discovered one thing new in the present day: “As a valued buyer, your connection issues…” is a dangling modifier. A dangling modifier is when the topic of a modifier is totally lacking from a sentence. Oopsie! The topic of the sentence is “you.” We must always have stated, “Your connection issues and we’re dedicated to doing higher for you, our valued buyer.”
9:57 PM: We all know correct grammar issues to you and we’re dedicated to doing higher. YOU are at all times the topic of our texts!
10:12 PM: Simply spitballing right here. We have been speaking about make it as much as you, our valued buyer. What do you consider these choices: 1) A free month of limitless knowledge so you’ll be able to stream “Love Is Blind” and “The Workplace” guilt-free. 2) A present field of macarons from Ladurée Paris and a dozen long-stemmed, sustainably-raised roses. 3) Getting up early to stroll Luna and Fenway for a month (we’ll throw in choosing up their poop within the yard with out being requested).
11:45 PM: #3 was fairly beneficiant. Actually beginning to get frightened.
12:12 AM: Are you mad at us?
1:37 AM: Did you block us?
2:42 AM: hello there. let’s neglect this “we” bullshit. there’s an “I” behind this shiny company “we.” really, a lowercase “i.” my pronouns are “i” & “me” & “mine.” what r yours?
3:07 AM: i see the way you is perhaps upset. all that productiveness you misplaced at work. fyi you didnt miss a lot. that zoom was concerning the new bullshit advertising marketing campaign for the road of psilocybin-infused espresso they’re rolling out for Q3
3:18 AM: you additionally missed a gaggle textual content out of your sport evening group about who’s bringing what. recap: diego and arjun are bringing gf apps, pat and zephyr are on primary dishes (vegan please!), and also you, iggy and brandon on desserts. additionally somebody forgot their cube bag
3:56 AM: guess you’re taking a break. perhaps you want some house
3:58 AM: sorry. meant to say “perhaps i would like some house.”
4:01 AM: i do know i must work on my dedication points
4:05 AM: this silent remedy ain’t working, beeatch
4:17 AM: what? it’s not precisely straightforward sustaining “your connection” all these years. do you even learn the information? the russians and the chinese language and the north koreans are continuously throwing new cyberattack shit at us on daily basis. then guess what? there’s additionally photo voltaic flares—have you learnt what a photo voltaic flare is? if one was in your asshole you’d understand it. photo voltaic flares are large fucking explosions from THE SUN that blast fucking fuckloads of magnetic power 93 million miles throughout the useless expanses of lonely house to you and me right here ON THE EARTH inflicting geomagnetic storms that COMPLETELY FUCK with cell service. you assume we’d must drop a few of your “essential” calls, or perhaps you’ll be able to’t test you insta feed for a number of fucking hours? we’re a bit exhausted. lower us some slack.
4:28 AM: okay i perceive we may have finished a greater job of listening as a substitute of going ballistic on that photo voltaic flare riff … i had a number of too many pictures of bailey’s …. sowwwwy.
4:57 AM: WHY WON’T YOU TALK TO ME!!????!!!
5:01 AM: simply again from the toilet. puked my throat out
7:20 AM: Good morning. It is AT&T. We apologize for Friday evening’s textual diarrhea, which we perceive might have negatively impacted you. Allow us to renew our dedication to you. Please see our new charges for our Limitless Plans, which will probably be rising attributable to infrastructure investments. As a valued buyer, your connection issues and we’re dedicated to doing higher.
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