WASHINGTON—Calling the frilly heist a surefire solution to maintain unemployment charges low whereas combating inflation, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen unveiled a plan Wednesday to spice up the U.S. financial system by stealing the most important gem-quality diamond ever discovered. “The Cullinan Diamond has been behind lock and key in England for years, however because of a vulnerability that my crew discovered of their air flow system, it’s the right answer to widespread indicators of suppressed client sentiment,” mentioned Yellen, who appeared in an all-black skintight outfit as she described the laser grid system, pressure-activated tiles, and ex-Mossad safety drive that shield the three,106-carat gem within the Tower of London. “We promote this child on the black market, and we knock out our sovereign debt in a single fell swoop. I’ve already recruited Johnny Andrizi, the most effective safecracker within the enterprise, recent out of a stint in Rikers. We’ve received Haoyu Li, a Chinese language contortionist. After which there’s Fed chair Jerome Powell, who focuses on liquidity necessities and financial stress exams. He’s solely readily available if shit goes completely off the rails.” At press time, a surprised Yellen had reportedly lifted the glass containing the diamond to seek out it empty apart from an ace of spades, the calling card of Japanese finance minister Shunichi Suzuki.
