CINCINNATI—Describing the deep disgrace but additionally freedom that got here with lastly saying it out loud, grocery store chain Kroger recalled over 2 million packs of lettuce Friday that the corporate had developed a psychosexual relationship with. “We apologize for the inconvenience to our loyal Kroger clients, however this morning, we awoke and realized we had a deep, throbbing bodily attraction to our bagged salad combine that we might now not ignore,” stated sweating, sobbing Kroger CEO Rodney McMullen, including that he lastly comprehended the depth and depth of his urges the second his shops had offered the 900,000 kilos of iceberg, romaine, and pink leaf lettuces. “Fact be advised, given the sexual nature of our emotions, we by no means ought to have allowed that produce to hit the cabinets. However we simply saved telling ourselves that we had been sick! The issues we wished to do to the lettuce…possibly it was higher off if we simply offered it.” At press time, Kroger officers knowledgeable clients they need to maintain their purchases for just a few extra days, as a result of the thought of participating in a psychosexual love recreation with the lettuce was turning them on huge time.
