Hi, up right here! It’s me, a twenty-year-old lady trapped in a Pottery Barn Catalina Twin-Over-Twin Bunk Mattress. Might you assist me get down from the highest bunk of this bunk mattress?
Look, I do know what you’re pondering: “Wow, that bunk mattress is the best factor I’ve ever laid my eyes upon, and that unemployed twenty-year-old shouldn’t be too outdated for that shockingly costly bunk mattress meant for twin youngsters.” Additionally, “How the fuck did she get caught on the highest bunk of that bunk mattress?”
To begin with, thanks, my ideas precisely.
Second of all, as a result of very like Icarus, I tried to fly too near the solar, and in a transfer fueled by ego and ignorant bravery, I bought a terrifying seven-foot-tall bunk mattress as a substitute of choosing the informal six-foot bunk mattress advisable for youngsters 4 and up. Now, I’m caught at this scary top, ready to plummet into the carpet at file speeds and really feel the life drain out of me as my organs remodel to mush on the plushy, carpeted floor.
As such, I hoped you possibly can name 911 and get a military-grade helicopter to drill a gap via my ceiling to airlift me down safely.
I see that you just’re confused as to why I don’t simply climb down the ladder that accompanies this death-defying construction. Sadly, the architect who designed this bunk mattress didn’t take into consideration the peak and weight distinction between a six-year-old little one and me, a twenty-year-old lady who spends most of her day consuming Takis and watching Gilmore Women on Netflix. Consequently, the weak ladder shakes violently anytime I try to climb down, threatening to tip and kill me at a second’s discover.
I can inform that you just’re additionally questioning if I’ve thought of another choices in addition to getting the Navy Seals to return and rescue me from this mattress. Properly, over the previous seventy-two hours that I’ve been trapped on this bunk mattress, I’ve combed via each attainable various answer: grabbing the facet of the bunk mattress and swinging to the bottom American Ninja Warrior fashion, sacrificing my two fats cats and utilizing them to cushion for my fall, merely simply staying up right here and persevering with to observe Gilmore Women. All of these selections, nonetheless, would comprise an unparalleled degree of threat and would probably lead to my premature demise.
Additionally, I’ve run out of Takis, so I don’t actually wish to keep up right here and simply preserve watching Gilmore Women with out a snack.
Hear, I do know that you just’re hesitant to assist me out and that these are merely the implications of my very own actions. And perhaps it’s true this example merely may have been prevented if I simply purchased a mattress that was a traditional distance from the ground versus one which rivals the peak of the Empire State Constructing.
Positive. However at what value?
You see, I purchased this bunk mattress as a result of I wished to expertise the world alone phrases. I wished to know how Alex Honnold felt as he free-soloed the face of El Capitan. I wished to really feel the way in which American heroes like Neil Armstrong, Virginia Woolf, and Richard Nixon felt as they slept in bunk beds the nights earlier than they made historical past. I wished to alter my perspective by metaphorically staring down on the minuscule orb of humanity that we name our planet and actually trying down on the garments which have piled up right into a monstrous mound on my flooring over the previous three weeks.
Behind each nice man could also be an incredible lady. However behind each nice lady is an epic bunk mattress. And now, as a modified lady, simply know that in case you assist me get down from this bunk mattress, I totally intend on utilizing my newfound perspective to alter the world.
I’ll exit and discover a remedy for most cancers. I’ll engineer options to create a net-zero vitality world. Almost definitely, I’ll in all probability simply crawl again into this bunk mattress instantly once more and watch extra Gilmore Women.
So, what do you say, buddy? Will you assist a woman out?
Wait, the place are you going? HEY!
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