This was speculated to be my time.
I adopted the playbook step-by-step. I took a job to date other than my regular characters and real-life background that the standard of my performing shouldn’t have even mattered. My agent’s phrases: Assured. Oscar. nomination.
That dickhead is so fired.
It was a biopic, for God’s sake. What extra do audiences need?! Simply the place do you fair-weather followers get off not spending your meager financial savings on tickets in a lice-ridden movie show to see a multimillionaire’s vainness mission?
I do know my efficiency wasn’t the problem. I used to be good, and I needs to be drowning by now within the variety of occasions the phrase “tour de drive” was thrown my method. Not solely did I act my ass off, I promoted the shit out of this movie (as a lot as I may—you’re not likely allowed to plug stuff in Corridor H in case your character will not be carrying spandex or leather-based).
Significantly although, I sat with all of the late-night internet hosting dudes who nonetheless assume interrupting is hilarious, the sexy morning-show cougars who took turns feeling my biceps—I ran the motherfucking gauntlet.
I put in my time, and this was speculated to be my large payout. Do you could have any thought how onerous it’s to make your solutions sound contemporary each time you’re requested about craft and inspiration? Have you learnt what number of crimson carpets I’ve tirelessly trudged up in my profession whereas being screamed at from each route? Sure, they had been constructive screams, however it may possibly nonetheless be jarring.
This isn’t how the sport is performed. There are guidelines. My reputation ought to have assured butts in theater seats, to not point out each single accolade obtainable. However not one. Not one rattling accolade. The one constructive overview this movie or my efficiency acquired was from some blogger in Omaha who I’m fairly certain is stalking me.
This complete film was particularly written for me to usher in awards. I’m not wild concerning the time period “star car” (no, non-famous folks, it doesn’t discuss with limousines, Lamborghinis, or different costly automobiles you could’t afford), but when we’re getting actual right here, I used to be the star and it was supposed to move me to the Dolby Theater stage. As an alternative, it was extra like a broken-down jalopy that drove me to the middle-of-fuck-nowhere with critics’ scathing jokes rolling previous me like tumbleweeds.
No Golden Globe nomination, no Saturn Award nod, zilch.
I really like proclaiming “I don’t act for awards,” but it surely simply doesn’t carry the identical gravitas if you haven’t truly gained any. “That the viewers beloved it’s all that issues” doesn’t even work on this context since hardly anybody was prepared to dedicate one night of their destitute life to my artwork.
It was speculated to kill at Cannes, but it surely solely earned a pathetic one-minute standing ovation. The one factor the dickwads there wish to do all day is stand and clap for movies till their ft give out and so they can’t really feel their palms anymore, so it was unbelievably humiliating. Our movie’s publicist even ran across the crowd for some time attempting to carry out half-assed magic methods to make it appear to be we bought longer applause, but it surely didn’t work.
I needed that horny, bald statue, rattling it. I needed to be taken significantly, and I needed to be rewarded for lastly taking a job whose preparation concerned extra time training my traces than engaged on my abs. Audiences right now simply don’t wish to see something that requires them to assume. I personally didn’t care in the event that they spent a lot time fascinated by the precise historic determine I used to be portraying, however would it not have killed them to no less than take into consideration my mastery of emotional vary and dramatic but nuanced supply?
I’m too depressed to speak about this anymore. Denying somebody at my stage of fame of an anticipated quantity of consideration is its personal kind of trauma. Now in case you’ll excuse me, I must go prep for interviews by framing this because the fault of the director, producer, co-stars, writers, lighting technician, key grip, and craft service folks with none of them consciously realizing it.
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