Hey-o! Couldn’t assist however discover your eyes wandering across the drinks station on the lookout for one thing to open your bottle of Modelo. And proper now you’re in all probability asking your self, “Does the pleasant lurker leaning towards the railing of this pontoon boat have a bottle opener on him?”
You wager I do. I’ve obtained the basic keychain mannequin proper right here. Have at it, dude.
After all, bottle openers are simply one in all my many pursuits. I’m completely satisfied to speak about such subjects as cans versus bottles, whether or not beer must be in cans versus bottles, which sorts of beers belong in cans versus which sorts of beers belong in bottles, and which do I want: cans or bottles? It might shock you to study I lean towards bottles.
Anyway, we are able to focus on absolutely anything bottle-adjacent.
Are you able to imagine, right here we’re in the midst of the water on this pontoon boat, and no one thought to carry a bottle opener? Effectively, I’m not no one! I’m a little bit of a superhero, if you concentrate on it.
I’ve obtained all kinds of bottle openers on me always. There’s the bottle opener within the arm of my sun shades which requires me to take away them so you possibly can see my vacant, shallow gaze as I interact you in beverage-related dialog.
There’s the one within the sole of my flip-flop which requires me to place one thing that is available in contact with each my naked foot and no matter I’ve stepped in close to the a part of a bottle the place you set your mouth.
There’s the one within the invoice of my novelty “I Really feel the Want, The Want for Lake Mead” visor with the sewn-in wig of bleached, spiky hair like Man Fieri. (Now there’s a man who seems like he is aware of easy methods to open a bottle, am I proper?)
And take a look at my Talladega Nights promotional belt buckle, which is, you guessed it, a bottle opener. All I’ve to do is put your drink close to my penis and thrust to pop the highest.
“Wow,” I assume you’re questioning, “What’s the craziest time somebody’s wanted a bottle opener and also you’ve saved the day?” Most likely my brother’s party. We have been chillin’ on a pontoon boat with a complete case of bottled brewskis and no opener. However guess who simply occurred to be carrying his bottle opener wedding ceremony ring? This man.
Wager you didn’t assume I’m married, and because it seems I’m not. Anymore.
Why did I make bottle openers my factor? For one, it’s exhausting to make associates as an grownup, and it is a surefire icebreaker.
Additionally, I suppose you would say it’s due to that one time we have been celebrating my very own wedding ceremony reception on my brother’s pontoon boat, and no one had a bottle opener. So I stated, “Hey, I can open a bottle on the sting of a desk,” and my new spouse warned me repeatedly to not do it due to all of the occasions I couldn’t. However then I did it anyway. However then I additionally broke the bottle off on the neck and a glass shard flung straight into her eye. She was largely effective.
Then I stated, “Effectively, I can open bottles with a Bic lighter, anybody obtained a Bic lighter?” And somebody did. And once more my blushing, bloodshot bride begged me to not strive. However I did strive, and the lighter sprayed fluid all around the lit sparklers we have been holding, engulfing my spouse’s wedding ceremony costume and her white sateen “Catch of the Day” sash in flames, and he or she needed to leap into Lake Mead to place it out.
When she had dried off, I supplied her a beer which, in fact, wanted to be opened. I stated, “I wager I can open that bottle with my enamel” and, in trying to take action, crushed three molars.
After that, I used to be, as her divorce lawyer put it, “unable to carry out cunnilingus anymore in such a manner that glad our marital contract” and that that potential was “on reflection, the one lingering attraction between my consumer and her husband anymore.”
I do know what you’re considering: Did he open the bottle?
Actually, I don’t know. That bottle rolled off the deck of the pontoon boat and lies someplace on the backside of Lake Mead to today.
However here’s what I do know: The bare feeling of not having a bottle opener on my individual. The panic of waking up in a chilly sweat, haunted by nightmares the place I’m surrounded by bottles that can not be opened. The bodily and monetary ache of paying for alimony whereas attempting to afford a number of reconstructive oral surgical procedures.
That jogs my memory, I’ve additionally obtained a titanium enterprise card-shaped bottle opener in my pockets proper subsequent to my debit card and the photograph of my two children who I’ll by no means carry up. Frankly, they’re not price speaking about as a result of they will’t even open bottles but.
Sorry, that beer of yours isn’t getting any colder. Be at liberty to inch away to the opposite facet of the pontoon boat as so many earlier than you’ve gotten finished.
Don’t fear about me. My place, my responsibility, stays right here. Among the many bottles.
I simply hope no one realizes they’re all twist-offs.
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