Listen, chief, don’t even take into consideration rushing up once more. I’ll match that shit like there’s no tomorrow. I bought a pleasant house right here 5 yards behind you in your left, and I’m not letting go. When you decelerate, you realize I’m slowing down too.
I’m your fucking private cruise management.
We’re twinsies now, champ. Your salt, and I’m pepper. Inexperienced eggs to your ham. I’m your fucking My Buddy doll on wheels.
These crashing automobile sensor lights which have been flashing in your facet mirror for 12 miles now? That’s all me, man. That’s the type of juice I bought, and also you finest not be messing with it.
I do know what you’re most likely pondering: “Who is that this asshole in my blind spot?”
Who I’m will not be vital. I’m driving a motherfucking Cybertruck is what’s vital. And but, you possibly can’t see me. I’m a fucking wizard. I’m Gandalf the Gray. If we crash, you be turning to mud.
So I’m going to roll on down the highway within the black gap of your visual field for an additional twenty miles or so.
Is that you simply laying in your horn? That’s a pleasant contact.
You assume I’m some wallflower, some squeaky little mouse that’s going to let the sound of a dying duck change my habits? You assume I’m some accountable, law-abiding citizen conscious of Nationwide Freeway Visitors Security Administration statistics exhibiting that greater than 40,000 Individuals die annually in automobile accidents?
Suppose once more. I’m a fucking rock star. I’m Sammy Hagar singing the refrain to “High of the World” over an Eddie Van Halen riff. You don’t know who Sammy Hagar is?
Fucking figures. Superb. Consider me as an F-22 Raptor stealth fighter jet that’s locked its goal. Too army for you? Consider me because the world’s most ruthless dingleberry. I’m right here to remain. You bought it now?
I’ll determine once we’re performed with this dance.
You assume I give a shit that you simply simply turned in your hazard lights? Whatcha pondering goes to occur now?
Oooh, man, I’m fearful of these flashing lights, I higher decelerate, I higher yield instantly to the man in glasses driving his Subaru Outback.
Hazard lights my ass. You’re going to have to tug some Chevy Chase in Trip shit to get your automobile away from me, child, okay?
You don’t have the center for that type of transfer. So, as an alternative, you simply faucet, faucet, faucet in your brakes such as you’re enjoying “Chopsticks” in your middle-school band live performance. Like your Tom Hanks in Large earlier than he bought all severe and unusually overprotective of his spouse.
Your teeny little automobile goes all blinky blinky such as you’re driving a goddamn Christmas tree. Are you able to hear me singing giddy-up jingle horse again right here? Feliz Navidad to you, pal, from the underside of my coronary heart. It’s Christmas day by day for me, son.
Ooh, take a look at you now, edging as much as the border of your lane such as you’ve bought the rocks to tug in entrance of me. Is that this your Hail Mary cross? You assume you’re fucking Doug Flutie? I’d wish to see you strive. I’ll be going Beast Mode again right here, zero to sixty in 2.6 seconds. BAM! Do you know my truck’s bought an exoskeleton manufactured from chrome steel? It’s the fucking Batmobile on Cialis. Whatchyou bought?
That didn’t final lengthy. I see you’ve given up, and also you’re solidly again in your lane the place you belong. At the very least the mothers of their Alo yoga pants have the spunk to decrease the window and flash me the hen. That type of stuff excites me.
Why am I doing this you need to know? I’ve no fucking thought to be trustworthy with you. I’m in a Cybertruck with sufficient payload for the carcass of an illegally-poached white rhinoceros from my final safari, Autopilot is off as a result of I’m the captain of this fucking ship, and I’m feeling fairly fucking invincible.
Welcome to the long run, princess!
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