FROM: Tom at CubeSmart
TO: Patrons of 2nd Road CubeSmart
SUBJECT: New Guidelines
Expensive CubeSmart Renters,
It has not too long ago come to our consideration that our CubeSmart is getting used for crimes. Please cease doing this. We perceive that the CubeSmart has low lighting and even decrease safety. We understand that each single episode of Legislation and Order has a scene involving a CubeSmart.
Nonetheless, these $200/month, 6×12 concrete cubes can’t simply be a free-for-all. The debauchery should finish.
For instance, please cease assembly up with thugs, riffraff, and employed goons to launder cash in our CubeSmart. We do have cameras put in. We all know it’s counterfeit payments in these duffel luggage. And sheet metallic storage doorways will not be soundproof.
Thanks on your cooperation,
Tom
FROM: Tom at CubeSmart
TO: Patrons of 2nd Road CubeSmart
SUBJECT: Illicit Substances within the Cubes
Expensive CubeSmart Renters,
I remorse needing to ship one other e-mail of this nature, however please cease storing cocaine in our CubeSmart. We vacuum the corridors bi-weekly and we aren’t chargeable for misplaced contraband. If it’s thought-about contraband, it actually shouldn’t be in our CubeSmart.
Thanks,
Tom
FROM: Tom at CubeSmart
TO: Patrons of 2nd Road CubeSmart
SUBJECT: It Occurred Once more
Howdy,
I’ll lower to the chase—
Please cease operating blackjack tables out of the CubeSmart. And when a seemingly profitable businessman is definitely deeply in debt to the playing ring, please cease tying him to a chair within the bowels of the CubeSmart, roughing him up a bit, and leaving him there in a single day as a scare tactic. Our janitorial employees is bored with untying shell-shocked males who’ve seen their lives flash earlier than their eyes earlier than they’ve had their morning espresso.
Appreciated,
Tom
FROM: Tom at CubeSmart
TO: Patrons of 2nd Road CubeSmart
SUBJECT: Sub-cubes?
Howdy once more,
Please cease dividing your cubes into sub-cubes, after which renting off these sub-cubes for revenue. It’s in violation of your contract to sublease your dice. Additionally, it’s clear these sub-cube companies are simply fronts for all of the cocaine.
Please additionally chorus from harboring stay animals within the CubeSmart. Our cubes will not be an appropriate atmosphere for a pangolin, and turning up the thermostat to make the CubeSmart “tropical” just isn’t okay.
Animals, particularly of the illegally trafficked selection, will not be permitted on the property, until after all, they’re a registered remedy pet. However we all know for a reality they don’t give out these registrations to pangolins.
Tom
FROM: Tom at CubeSmart
TO: Patrons of 2nd Road CubeSmart
SUBJECT: Artwork Fraud and Ants!!!!! Please reply.
Guys…
Please cease inviting black market artwork sellers to the CubeSmart. We’ve heard rumors of Van Goghs and Picassos being moved by the CubeSmart. Imagine me after I say we don’t have the form of insurance coverage that covers stolen priceless artifacts.
Additionally, the artwork sellers go away a variety of half-finished cheese boards across the place, and that pulls ants. Ants are unhealthy for the CubeSmart. Sure, the pangolins do eat the ants, however we actually wish to stay agency on “no pangolins.”
Tom
FROM: Tom at CubeSmart
TO: Patrons of 2nd Road CubeSmart
SUBJECT: Current Developments
It’s Tom.
This could go with out saying, however please don’t stay within the cubes. We’ve observed rows and rows of bunk beds within the cubes, and it’s extremely unbelievable you’re all simply storing clearly slept-in bunk beds. Sure, town is dear, however whereas CubeSmart is a household, it isn’t a house.
Which leads me to my subsequent level: Please cease constructing a authorities within the CubeSmart. We’re a registered enterprise in the USA, not “The Libertarian Republic of Cubetopia.” Moreover, please cease holding tribal councils to vote folks out of Cubetopia. Open flames, together with genuine Survivor torches, will not be permitted within the constructing. We all know you’re overlaying the smoke detectors with plastic luggage.
Please.
FROM: Tom at CubeSmart
TO: Patrons of 2nd Road CubeSmart
SUBJECT: Guys, I’m Begging
Tom once more…
As a private request, please cease storing haunted dolls in our CubeSmart. Whereas not technically unlawful, it’s very scary and unhealthy for enterprise and in addition unhealthy for me. One of many dolls adopted me house final week and my spouse stated if it occurs once more, she’s gone.
FROM: Tom at CubeSmart
TO: Patrons of 2nd Road CubeSmart
SUBJECT: ???????
Please cease doing regardless of the fuck is occurring in Dice 1253. We see the effervescent tank of formaldehyde. We see the metal desk adorned with lightning rods. We’ve heard the screams of “It’s alive!” No matter it’s, it’s a no from us.
It’s not in opposition to US legislation to play God, however we’re actually fearful in regards to the ethical implications of making life from loss of life. So knock it off.
FROM: Tom at CubeSmart
TO: Patrons of 2nd Road CubeSmart
SUBJECT: For the Love of God and Pangolins
PLEASE! Cease storing fireworks in our CubeSmart. Between the Survivor cosplay and the flagrant disregard for the “No Smoking” indicators, we now have a major problem with open flames on this institution, and it’s unhealthy for everybody if the CubeSmart goes kablammo in a stunning burst of patriotism. Consider all of the pangolins and cocaine that may be misplaced within the blast. (Not that I or CubeSmart administration revenue from these in any manner.)
FROM: Tom at CubeSmart
TO: Patrons of 2nd Road CubeSmart
CC: Mike at Cubetopia
SUBJECT: Thank You for 20 Nice Years at CubeSmart
Expensive CubeSmart Renters,
At present marks my final day because the supervisor of the 2nd Road CubeSmart. Mike, cc’d right here, shall be taking on in my place—as elected by you, the folks of Cubetopia.
His workplace is positioned on-site, within the presidential dice, instantly throughout from the confiscated weapons cache.
Sayonara.
Tom
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