At this time we have fun a brand new addition to the International Tetrahedron LLC household of manufacturers. And let me say, I actually do see it as a household. Very like members of the family, our manufacturers are summary nodes of wealth, interchangeable belongings for his or her patriarch to soak up and discard in accordance with the opaque whims of the market. And similar to members of the family, our manufacturers regard each other with mutual suspicion and malice.
All informed, the choice to amass InfoWars was a simple one for the International Tetrahedron govt board.
Based in 1999 on the heels of the Satanic “panic” and rising steadily ever since, InfoWars has distinguished itself as a useful software for brainwashing and controlling the plenty. With a shrewd mixture of delusional paranoia and doubtful anti-aging diet hacks, they try to make life each scarier and longer for everybody, a commendable purpose. They’re a real unicorn, able to concurrently inspiring public assist for billionaires and stoking outrage at a clumsy federal state that may assassinate JFK however can’t even put a person on the Moon.
By means of all of it, InfoWars has proven an loyal dedication to manufacturing anger and radicalizing essentially the most weak members of society—values that resonate deeply with all of us at International Tetrahedron.
No value can be too excessive for such a cornucopia of malleable belongings and minds. And but, in a stroke of fine fortune, a formidable particular curiosity group has outwitted the hapless proprietor of InfoWars (a forgettable man with an already-forgotten title) and compelled him to promote it at a steep cut price: lower than one trillion {dollars}.
Make no mistake: This can be a coup for our firm and a well-deserved victory for multinational elites the world over.
What’s subsequent for InfoWars stays a dwell concern. The surplus funds initially allotted for the acquisition shall be reinvested into our philanthropic efforts that embody enterprise faculty scholarships for promising cult leaders, a charity that donates elections to at-risk third world dictators, and a brand new professional bono program pairing orphans with secure manufacturing facility jobs for gratis to the factories.
As for the nutritional vitamins and dietary supplements, we’re halting their sale instantly. Utilitarian logic dictates that if we will prolong even one CEO’s life by 10 minutes, diluting these miracle elixirs for public consumption is an unethical waste. As an alternative, we plan to gather the complete inventory of the InfoWars warehouses into a big vat and boil the contents down right into a single sweet bar–sized omnivitamin that one govt (I can’t title names) could eat so as to enhance his energy and maybe turn into immortal.
All shall be revealed in due time. For now, let’s take pleasure in this win and toast to the continued consolidation of energy and capital.
Infinite Progress Eternally,
Bryce P. Tetraeder, International Tetrahedron CEO
The submit Right here’s Why I Determined To Purchase ‘InfoWars’ appeared first on The Onion.
