SANTA ROSA, CA—Admitting that they usually wouldn’t have embraced somebody whose life was such a goddamn shitshow, native lady Tara Lopez instructed reporters Tuesday that her sister’s deadbeat boyfriend was doing wonders for the remainder of her household’s vanity. “At first we hated the truth that he was an unemployed, unmotivated bum with a complete lack of drive, however now we have a look at ourselves and may’t assist however really feel wonderful,” stated Lopez, including that their preliminary concern for his or her sister courting a fucking loser who performed video video games all day, consistently smoked marijuana, and had just lately turn into hooked on on-line poker was instantly overshadowed by how good, completed, and motivated he made each single one in all her relations look by comparability. “Certain, my husband sucks in a variety of methods, however a minimum of he didn’t take $2,000 of my cash and make investments it in a crypto scheme he discovered on Reddit. Severely, I may crash my automobile, get fired from my job, and have to maneuver again in with my mother and father, and someway I’d nonetheless look higher than this man. He’s excellent. I hope he retains fucking up without end.” At press time, Lopez instructed reporters her complete household was ecstatic after her sister despatched a photograph her deadbeat boyfriend proposing with a hoop pop, adopted by an announcement that she was pregnant.
