By now, you most likely know that ExxonMobil refused to publish an inside examine that demonstrated a hyperlink between fossil gasoline use and local weather change. Nonetheless, it’s possible you’ll not find out about these ten different inside research that ExxonMobil additionally refused to publish.
1. Mouse mannequin medical examine to find out whether or not or not smoking is unhealthy for you
To completely nobody’s shock, mice that smoked six packs of cigs a day had far increased charges of lung most cancers than mice that didn’t smoke or solely smoked after intercourse (for context, many of the mice used within the examine had been terminally unfuckable losers). Though Exxon itself had nothing to lose by sharing these outcomes, the CEO on the time was mates with the CEO of a significant cigarette producer (“Marlboro”) and thus determined to carry off on publishing the examine.
2. Exploratory animal conduct examine to find out whether or not or not a monkey typing random keystrokes on a pc can recreate the collective works of William Shakespeare
Though outcomes on the time of the experiment’s initiation had been inconclusive, rumor has it that this examine remains to be ongoing in one in all ExxonMobil’s many secret underground analysis services.
3. Lengthy-term observational examine to find out the results of marrying a cone of ice cream
The examine ended after the cone of peach ripple in query divorced its husband on the grounds that he was having an affair with a strawberry cheesecake. Though the husband vigorously denied the affair, a collection of incriminating receipts from the Cheesecake Manufacturing unit had been sufficient to persuade a decide to present the ice cream cone sole custody of the couple’s youngsters and possession of many of the couple’s belongings. To today, the ex-husband rails towards the anti-male/ pro-ice-cream-cone bias of divorce court docket on Reddit.
4. Cartographic expedition to find out the precise circumference of your mom
Aborted after the analysis vessel that was circumnavigating your mom inexplicably ceased radio communication someplace over Hesselbach’s Triangle.
5. Animal welfare examine to find out if animals die if you blow them up
2 hundred thousand jackrabbits, 4 hundred and seventy-one water buffalo, twenty-eight pronghorn antelopes, and one yellow-bellied marmot later, researchers found that animals do certainly die if you strap them to bundles of C-4 and light-weight them up in the course of an deserted trailer park. Although the examine was carried out for the express goal of selling animal welfare, a number of animal rights activists lambasted the analysis as a “pointless show of cruelty” and gained a court docket case that prohibited the researchers from publishing their findings. One can solely marvel what number of harmless jackrabbits might need been saved from leisure explosion if solely these findings had not been so cruelly suppressed.
6. Focus panel to find out whether or not or not “God is lifeless”
Seven philosophers had been assembled in a room and requested a two-part query: 1) Is God lifeless? and a pair of) If not, why does He let lots of of hundreds of harmless jackrabbits get blown up within the identify of “scientific analysis”? Equally to the monkey examine, the outcomes on the time of the examine’s initiation had been inconclusive, and rumors abound that this examine remains to be ongoing in one in all ExxonMobil’s many secret underground armchair lounges/ hookah bars.
7. Burning cash
The wanton incineration of $2,453,600 in unmarked hundred-dollar payments was listed as a “Analysis and Growth” expense and subsequently technically qualifies as a scientific examine. The aim of this examine is unclear, however apparently the outcomes had been embarrassing sufficient that the CEO of Exxon selected to not carry it up in any respect throughout his firm’s annual shareholders’ assembly.
8. Exploratory examine to find out what “updog” is
Deserted after a number of analysis interviews did not uncover any clues apart from “Nothing, what’s up with you?” An try and blow up a canine proved equally fruitless.
9. Lengthy-term examine to find out if full-scale invasions of Iraq and Afghanistan can quench America’s post-9/11 bloodlust
Apparently, no. However the invasions did reach killing tens of hundreds of harmless folks and in securing billions of {dollars} in Iraqi oil contracts for ExxonMobil. Nonetheless, Exxon declined to publish these outcomes out of concern that the civilian dying toll was not excessive sufficient to fulfill the American taxpayers who funded the examine.
10. A baking soda volcano
Unceremoniously scooped by a 3rd grader from Glassboro, New Jersey who introduced a suspiciously related venture at her faculty science truthful.
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