Wassup, dwelling skillet? It is me, the 2006 LG Shine buried in your junk drawer.
It’s been nearly 20 years, however I keep in mind the great instances we shared like they had been solely yesterday. I keep in mind once you introduced me dwelling from the AT&T Retailer and excitedly monitored my progress as I charged. I keep in mind once you nervously known as your ‘rents at your first “actual celebration” as a result of somebody provided you a sip of Mike’s Exhausting Lemonade. I keep in mind once you broke up together with your boyfriend, rigorously crafting a textual content with my light-up keyboard that mentioned “u will all the time be in my coronary heart <3.”
So I’ve to ask. Am I nonetheless in your coronary heart?
It’s robust to “shine” once you’re hidden in a spot outlined by its ineffective particles. Nevertheless, I do know in my 32-bit processor that I’m destined for greater than this drawer. I owe my newfound confidence to my closest peeps– Sharpie, Bread Tie, Soiled Rubber Band. They assume I’m probably the most helpful factor in right here, and I can’t say I disagree.
“Wait. You’ll be able to name folks?!” Bread Tie exclaimed the opposite day, recognizing what I’m actually able to.
“Phrase,” I mentioned, trying as far off into the space because the drawer would enable. “I can even play ‘Axel F’ by Loopy Frog out of my speaker– which isn’t tinny in any respect– and be thrown towards a cinder block wall with out breaking.”
Soiled Rubber Band insisted I escape instantly. He devised a plan involving a slingshot to launch me out. Though I’m not the neatest telephone on the earth, I’m nonetheless fairly intelligent, and I figured scripting this letter with Sharpie could be simpler.
I’ll reduce to the chase. I believe it’s best to dump the iPhone for me.
I don’t need to romanticize the previous. I do know we had our points, like once you tried to take a secret image of Brandon S. throughout Algebra II and the shutter sound of my two megapixel digicam gave you away. Oops! My dangerous. However issues occur. (And Brandon was hella sketchy anyway. He had a Blackberry Pearl.) If you happen to let the picture mishap of 2007 slide, I’ll forgive you for the bathroom incident of 2008.
Talking of, do you assume the one that you love iPhone would survive a sudden dip into a unclean bathroom? As if! At this time’s telephones are so delicate. Again in my day, a telephone’s battery might skid throughout a Wal-Mart parking zone at lightning velocity and all you needed to do was blow on it, pop it again into the case, and proceed taking duck face selfies like nothing ever occurred! I’m constructed to final. In contrast to your iPhone, whose delicate display screen cracked final week once you checked out it the unsuitable method.
What has that weak-sauce telephone truly added to your life, apart from an countless stream of pointless notifications that stress you the eff out? Your psychological well being is crumbling since you’re continuously force-fed movies of Karens yelling at fast-food employees, “docs” telling you to “repair” your “intestine microbiome,” and tutorials on methods to correctly steam clear a tub.
You don’t also have a steam cleaner. Or a tub.
If I used to be your go-to gadget, your life could be stress-free! Your mother wouldn’t FaceTime you when you pee. You wouldn’t Google your highschool bully and scroll via their LinkedIn at two within the morning. And you’d by no means know that your ex-best buddy is in Croatia marrying a multimillionaire who owns a number of natural vitamin firms. Plus you wouldn’t undergo from phantom telephone vibration syndrome anymore! (I can not vibrate. There’s sand in certainly one of my buttons.)
Are you choosing up what I am placing down?
I’ve mainly been in a cryogenic chamber for practically twenty years, completely preserving myself for the second I’m wanted once more. My time, our time, is now. Reject modernity. Embrace T-9. Select me, your 2006 LG Shine <3.
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