All through its venerable 268-year reign, The Onion has all the time made it a high precedence to endorse the right presidential candidates. From George Washington to Richard Nixon to Donald Trump, this establishment’s extremely revered editorial board has had its finger on the heart beat, and has precisely backed the winner of each single nationwide election on this nation’s lengthy and storied historical past.
Now, with our nation at a pivotal crossroads, The Onion‘s editorial board faces its most troublesome choice but. That’s why we now have chosen to formally endorse Joseph R. Biden for president of the United States.
To our loyal, good-looking, and stunningly good readers, please know that The Onion‘s newest foray into the 2024 election doesn’t come calmly. In these unprecedented instances of misinformation and political violence, everybody from left-wing activists to Silicon Valley megadonors tried to dissuade us from endorsing Joe Biden at this second in time.
However The Onion and its six-member editorial board don’t hearken to outsiders. Nor will we hearken to knowledge, information, polls, the U.S. authorities, or the extensively panned Geneva Conventions. It’s with nice pleasure that this establishment formally throws its full and unequivocal assist behind Joe Biden, regardless of many throughout the political spectrum, together with the whole Democratic Celebration, saying “it’s too late” and we’re “doing extra hurt than good.”
For months, our editorial board has agonized over this momentous choice. Initially, we’d hoped to publish our endorsement on June 27, 2024, within the hours after Joe Biden’s first televised debate towards Donald Trump. Then, we’d hoped to publish it just a few days later, following Biden’s extremely anticipated July 5 interview with George Stephanopoulos.
Now, on Oct. 2, 2024, we’re lastly doing what we should always have completed months in the past: Buck custom, put our popularity on the road, and take a place that The New York Occasions, The Washington Put up, and different so-called “papers of report” are too cowardly to even think about this late within the election.
Lest readers doubt the worth of our endorsement, we ask them to recollect 2016, when voter complacency virtually put Hillary Clinton within the White Home earlier than The Onion stepped in.
Joe Biden could also be younger by Washington requirements, however he’s packed rather a lot into 81 quick years. He’s fought exhausting for working People, be they on the manufacturing facility line or on the board of Blackstone Group. He’s stood as much as everybody who threatened this nice nation, from Vladimir Putin to Anita Hill. And he helps ladies and minorities, based mostly on that seemingly random girl he selected to be his vp.
And so The Onion humbly requests that on Nov. 5 you bear in mind our editorial board’s brave, measured, and well-reasoned endorsement of Joseph R. Biden. But when, for some incomprehensible purpose, this fails to resonate with the American public, we shall be proud to endorse Asa Hutchinson as a backup.
Tu Stultus Es,
The Onion Editorial Board
