CHICAGO—As a capstone to a record-breaking day for the internationally acknowledged model’s views and promoting income, The Onion launched an announcement Wednesday confirming that it had used all the funds raised from its annual Click on Drive to buy a Yamaha WaveRunner VX collection. “Following a large haul that produced practically 15 trillion pageviews and exponentially elevated click-through charges, The Onion’s editorial board has authorized the acquisition from a motivated vendor of a used Yamaha Jet Ski in good situation,” the assertion learn partly, describing the leisure watercraft as a “blast to deal with out on the lake” and noting that its waterproof sound system even allowed riders to blast Eric Church or Luke Combs albums whereas leaping waves. “We’ve already hosted a retreat for members of the chief staff, and everybody had plenty of enjoyable on the market, cracking open Miller Lites and simply consuming within the sunshine. And bear in mind, that is all due to readers such as you. So thanks. You made this potential. Thanks, thanks, thanks.” At press time, The Onion had quickly launched a second Click on Drive after a small unnoticed gap within the Jet Ski’s hull triggered it to sink just a few hours into use.
