Welcome To The Onion’s Click on Drive. Because of the beneficiant clicks of readers like your self, we’re capable of hold invaluable journalistic tasks going:
Initiatives like our journal of North Korean propaganda, 위대한 지도자 김정은, created in partnership with Kim Jong-Un’s State Affairs Fee.
And our investigative nonprofit Doxology, which compiles an entire checklist of each recognized journalist’s residence handle, relations, and final recognized GPS location.
Do you know that by clicking on this slideshow, you may unlock every kind of nice rewards and badges?
In reality, you’re solely 5 clicks away from unlocking your first badge.
Quickly you’ll be acknowledged to your extremely regarded clicking.
You might be a lot nearer to lastly being honored to your achievements in clicking.
We all know you’re drained and exhausted, simply hold going…
There’s the horizon. You’re so shut!
Congratulations! You’ve unlocked the Onion Silver Award!
It’s not going to be straightforward, however click on via these ecosystems to succeed in the following award tier.
Only some extra clicks and also you’ll make it via the sand ecosystem.
Rub your clicks collectively to remain heat within the snow ecosystem.
Maintain clicking to succeed in the opposite facet of the sheep ecosystem.
Yippee! You simply unlocked the Onion Ruby Award for Honor—a badge bestowed on solely the highest 5% of Onion clickers!
Right here’s one other nice method to assist The Onion: Donate your automobile.
Are we a 501(c)(3) nonprofit group? Who cares!
Give us the fucking automobile.
Sorry, we misplaced our cool there. What we meant to say was, we might be honored in case you selected to donate your automobile to us.
Your children can stroll to daycare. Give us your automobile.
With out clicks from beneficiant readers such as you, our fear-mongering and smear campaigns merely wouldn’t be doable.
Hey, when you’re clicking, thoughts if we vent just a little?
Work’s been tremendous loopy currently.
We simply really feel, like, overwhelmed on a regular basis.
Final week, we completely snapped and slapped our boss throughout the face.
His head flew off his neck.
It killed him.
We’re hoping to get off on manslaughter expenses. Sorry if that is all an excessive amount of, by the way in which. We will get again to speaking about click on stuff if that is too private.
We’ve acquired a whole lot of wonderful, devoted little one slaves standing by to rely your clicks!
All of this clicking you’re doing is sweet and regular.
You’re a regular particular person.
Individuals respect you.
Clicking 389 instances in a slideshow is what secure individuals do.
Your life goes effectively.
Oh, man. You’ve been clicking up a storm, and now you reek.
Free spritz of fragrance? This one’s known as Tanker.
This one’s known as Flute, by Mr. Flute.
This one’s named Vivivivivivivivivivia.
Perhaps a dab of Twilight Girdle to high issues off. There you go, recent as a daisy.
The Onion want to thanks for providing your physique in service of our mission to regulate your thoughts.
We’ve acquired Terry Gross. Should you don’t click on sufficient, Terry will get it. Proper, Terry?
Terry says you higher click on, otherwise you’ll by no means hear Recent Air once more.
Terry, would you want to steer this subsequent part of the drive? Terry actually likes our shirts. Let her lead you thru.
The Onion is a 100% eco-negligent operation that runs solely on plastic fumes and your clicks. Sadly, the world is working out of plastic for us to burn in our ovens, so we’d like your clicks now greater than ever.
Should you click on simply 100 extra instances, you’ll get this licensed Onion tote, crammed to the brim with enamel.
Simply 99 extra instances. Take into consideration all these enamel.
You’ll be the discuss of the workplace.
“The place did you get all these enamel?”
These stunning enamel are appropriate for an evening out in town on the best lodge foyer.
Or they’re excellent for once you’re curling up on the sofa and watching electron beams.
These enamel have been harvested from the best mouths and are available quite a lot of modern kinds and fashionable shapes.
Males’s enamel
Woman enamel
Candy bundles of pleasure completely filled with enamel
Enterprise enamel
Night enamel
Administrative enamel
Security enamel
Basic enamel
Informal enamel
Electrical enamel
Maritime enamel
However that’s not all—there’s extra enamel! Supreme for chewing or swallowing. However we desperately want you to maintain clicking.
Sand enamel
Corn enamel
Casket enamel
Ham enamel
Snowman enamel
Barge enamel
Flamenco enamel, appropriate for clenching a single rose
Donkey enamel
Centipede enamel
Downtown enamel
Queen enamel
Firm enamel
Bread enamel
Sister enamel
Owl enamel
Powder enamel
Beef enamel
Ghost enamel
Calculator enamel
Sky enamel
Hybrid enamel
Sperm enamel
Pilgrim enamel
Micro-teeth
Labeled enamel
Therapeutic enamel
Oh shoot, we gave away the final tote. Sadly, you wanted to be just a little faster with these clicks. However hold going! Who is aware of what items is perhaps ready for you!
Reward For Beneficiant Donors! One Intimate Evening With Klaus Rosling Zweibel
Our 93-year-old unhealthy boy affiliate sports activities editor has lengthy drawn outrage for his sizzling takes on the world of cricket and equestrianism—however his physique will likely be all yours in case you donate upwards of 80,000 clicks proper now!
You look drained. Perhaps it’s time for a click on break. Let’s name in a substitute to click on for you.
That is James, knowledgeable clicker.
He’s going to coach you on one of the best methods to click on!
Elevate your finger. And up, and down. And up, and down. And up, and down.
Now to your protein shake. Drink the entire thing.
Now, 12 uncooked eggs. Click on via all 12 uncooked eggs.
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Oh my God. You vomited.
Raffle time! That’s proper, each click on you make for the following 30 seconds is one other entry into our raffle.
Enter now to your likelihood to win a shocking image of a whistle.
However don’t simply click on for us. Click on for them.
These unhappy, previous, attractive infants have nobody to spank them.
For simply 10 clicks a day, you may present an entire week’s price of spanks for a buttock in want.
Simply have a look at how glad this child named Paul Sayers, DDS feels now that his bum has been correctly reddened.
So please, don’t simply scroll away. Please hold clicking. Dozens of sagging child glutes are counting on you.
Once you click on on an Onion article, you do extra than simply click on. You change into a witness within the homicide case the Manhattan DA’s workplace is leveraging in opposition to us.
You’ve unlocked The Onion’s gold tier! As a part of the gold tier, you get to kill one member of The Onion’s staff!
Who will it’s? Our social media man? Our head of gross sales?
Nice selection! You’ve chosen our entrance desk man, Marshall!
Oh no, Marshall has escaped. Click on via the web site to search out him!
Is he behind the banner advert? Click on to search out out!
Nope, not there.
Is he behind our native tab?
Nope! However oh man, it’s dusty. Nobody ever clicks right here.
Is he behind the Taboola advert for the conjoined twins with the large tits?
There he’s. Say good evening, Marshall!
You’ll must take a urine check to proceed clicking.
You’ve examined constructive for click-enhancing medication.
You’ve been fined 10,000 clicks. To the punishment nook. Now, click on via this nun hitting you with a ruler.
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As a result of it’s a 501(c)(3) charitable group, clicks on The Onion are tax deductible to the extent allowed by regulation.
Excuse us, have you ever been clicking different web sites? We will odor it on you.
Allow us to odor your finger.
And whose digital underwear is that this? How may you?
We work so onerous to place out all this content material.
We even made an article about Jeffrey Epstein as a result of we all know you’re keen on him a lot.
Who was she? Enterprise Insider? Inform us.
Properly, you’re within the doghouse. Click on round to try to get your self out.
Hurry, click on again, earlier than you’re caught within the void!
Ah! Why is it so chilly right here? And what’s that, within the shadows? Click on to search out out.
Grandma, you’re alive?
Sure. That’s her. And he or she’s relationship Saddam Hussein now? Ah! Click on away!
Phew. You’re again.
Right here’s our Click on Drive Show-O-Matic Click on Counter. Wow, that is unbelievable!
BREAKING WEATHER REPORT
We interrupt this Click on Drive to warn of a turbulent wind flood affecting the world.
Anybody within the neighborhood of this slideshow ought to start clicking to larger floor.
Larger
Larger
Larger
Larger
Too excessive! Too excessive! Click on to decrease floor!
Decrease
Decrease
Decrease
Decrease
Oh no, you’ve clicked your self into amnesia. Click on via these recollections to attempt to get it again.
Give us the fucking automobile.
Individuals respect you.
.
We’ve acquired Terry Gross. Should you don’t click on sufficient, Terry will get it. Proper, Terry?
This one’s known as Flute, by Mr. Flute.
Powder enamel
That is James, knowledgeable clicker.
Sand enamel
You’re a regular particular person.
Maritime enamel
You’ve examined constructive for click-enhancing medication.
Work’s been tremendous loopy currently.
Administrative enamel
You probably did it! You now keep in mind each painful second of your excruciating life.
Sorry to deliver this up on such late discover, however your clicking did not register. We’d like you to begin over.
