Oh my God, England? Is that you simply? It’s the U.S.
Yeah, it’s been perpetually! You look nice. It’s loopy bumping into you right here at Buckingham Palace, of all locations. I believe I despatched you a DM on Fb Messenger letting you already know I’d be right here however perhaps you missed it. I’m truly right here to calm down on somewhat election-moon—you already know, take my thoughts off the entire “way forward for democracy” factor. After this, campaigning actually ramps up.
It blows my thoughts that we was one nation, isn’t that wild?
However sufficient about me. Inform me what have you ever been as much as? It appears such as you’ve carried out very well for your self. I noticed in your TikTok that you simply bought a brand new king not too long ago. Congratulations! We could be getting a brand new chief too, truly. He could be in jail when he takes workplace in order that’s kinda cool. We’re going for a extremely trendy and progressive strategy to management, yeah. Anyway, about King Charles, congrats once more. He’s solely 75, proper? Tremendous recent, hip and trendy.
Oh, and I’ve been loving your foodie Instagram too. That publish you made final week with the beans on toast, oh my god. I used to be actually drooling after I noticed that. What restaurant had been you at?
Wait, cease. Shut up. You’re telling me you made it your self at residence? You’re joking! That’s bonkers, you’re such a very good chef. Our burgers, fries, and apple pies are simply plain dodgy in comparison with the advanced, daring flavors of your delicacies of steak and kidney pie, and liver and onions. Yummy.
Can I say one thing? Typically after I’m lacking you, I’m going to Lengthy John Silver’s for some fish and chips, but it surely’s not the identical.
It’s so humorous working into you as a result of I used to be truly reminded of you latterly! I used to be watching soccer—I imply, soccer! Yeah, I watch that now. I don’t even watch American soccer anymore. It’s simply garbage to me now, actually.
I’ve additionally been actually getting again into tea currently. English Breakfast is such a vibe. To be actual with you, I don’t even drink espresso anymore. Yeah, Starbucks over right here? Actually going out of enterprise. Individuals are so over espresso it’s not even humorous.
Oh, and I additionally picked up a brand new interest that you simply’ll recognize. I’ve stopped going to the dentist and taking good care of my enamel. Isn’t that such fun? I bear in mind you all the time occurring and on about Huge Enamel and you already know what? You had been proper. Final time I went to the dentist a 12 months in the past, my bloody enamel began bleeding! That was the tell-tale signal that, blimey, you had been proper all alongside.
Perhaps we couldn’t brush our enamel collectively someday?
Can I say one thing, mate? You will have a protracted historical past your self, however why are you appearing such as you overlook the one we shared? People as of late are afraid of dedication however you already know very properly we weren’t all the time like that. It looks like everybody all the time had a very good chortle at lengthy distance relationships, however we had one thing going very well from 1607 to 1783. I liked how our partnership was give and take. We’d offer you taxes, you’ll take them. You give us nothing, after which we’d simply take it. You and I had a strong basis that would by no means be damaged and it appeared prefer it by no means would because you dominated a lot of the world.
Wow, do you do not forget that first Thanksgiving, alright? Man, we took a bloody lengthy boat trip to get there and everybody bought nasty instances of scurvy. We virtually misplaced our lives there, but it surely ended up being so price it. I can nonetheless style that massive ol’ plate of shellfish and deer. Plus after that, we had been so stuffed we knew we needed to work off these kilos we ate that we determined to kill a bunch of these cheeky Native People with our smallpox and weapons, after which moved in.
God, we had been simply two satisfied children in love then.
However I’m glad I bumped into you, as a result of I actually wish to get one thing off my chest. About what occurred that evening we broke up. After I threw all of your tea within the harbor, innit? I bloody hate myself for it, as a result of that created a rift in our relationship that we had been by no means capable of restore.
I by no means instructed you, however that evening, I used to be completely intoxicated off moonshine. I wasn’t able to be part of an empire, and I used to be being so, so psychological. I’ve since sought remedy and am California sober now. I’m a modified nation. I believed I knew what I wished again then, that “independence.” I believe I simply actually fell in love with the thought of it and didn’t wish to be your sidekick. However after being out alone, I do know I used to be so, so fallacious.
I miss you. I really feel like such an arse for not taking you up on couple’s remedy and it was ill-advised of us to counsel occurring The Jerry Springer Present 20 years in the past to determine it out, however we thought the same old manner of fixing our issues with violence would work out like all the time.
What I’m actually saying– Oh god screw it. Take me again as a colony, child. I’ll allow you to steal my land. Simply give me one evening to rock your world and we’ll present you what you’ve been lacking the previous 250 years, you previous bloke. Each of us are clearly so damaged and knackered. Your queen simply died and our king is fairly near kicking the bucket, so I do know we’re each weak and wish one another to lean on! I do know you could possibly barely maintain your self collectively ever since Brexit, so please take me again, love. It’ll be completely different this time.
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