You declare that we’re presently in Paris, France. You’ve been pointing at that river and calling it “the Seine” for hours. You retain waving that croissant in my face prefer it’s proof. You dragged me someplace to look at a bunch of individuals driving round in an enormous circle and mentioned, “Look! Look! It’s the Arc de Triomphe! Now will you imagine we’re in Paris?!”
I’ve simply bought one query for you, my pal: If that is Paris, the place are the accordions?
Everyone is aware of that Paris and accordion music go collectively like baguettes and butter, cheese and wine, waiters and rudeness. I’ve watched Ratatouille 100 occasions, and if that film has taught me something, it’s that you just’re not in Paris until you possibly can hear the melodious honk of a concertina someplace close by. That, and rats make superb cooks.
However am I listening to the candy, candy sound of a concertina proper now? No. I’m not.
Cease pointing on the Eiffel Tower. That may very well be anyplace. Texas has an Eiffel Tower. Las Vegas has an Eiffel Tower. Hell, Epcot has an Eiffel Tower. However do any of those locations have accordions? No, sir. I refuse to imagine I’m within the “Metropolis of Mild” until I begin listening to one thing proper this minute that feels like Ethel Merman on helium.
You mentioned you wished to take me to Paris as a result of it’s probably the most romantic metropolis on earth. Properly, if Paris is probably the most romantic metropolis on earth, it’s due to accordions. Accordions are pure ardour—that’s why they sound like a drunken organ after an sad love affair. When Parisian lovers whisper candy nothings to 1 one other, these candy nothings are whispered to the accompanying squeal of a abdomen Steinway.
When Humphrey Bogart informed that crying chick in Casablanca that, “We’ll at all times have Paris,” he was clearly speaking about accordions.
I don’t care if the guidebook says that the nationwide instrument of France is a fiddle. All that tells me is that the French are getting French-ness mistaken. La Vie en Rose, my ass. Accordions are French-er than any fiddle. They’re French-er than a goddamn French horn. The French nationwide anthem was initially nothing greater than accordion music, however then the folks filming Casablanca insisted on one thing with lyrics that may very well be sung in a café stuffed with Nazis. The one motive the motto of France isn’t “Liberté, Égalité, Accordions” is as a result of they wished it to rhyme.
Some dude as soon as mentioned, “Going to warfare with out France is like going deer looking with out an accordion. You simply depart loads of ineffective noisy baggage behind.” To begin with: how dare he. Second, he clearly mentioned that as a result of accordions are France, and France is accordions. Additionally, I’m positive you’ll agree that accordions would enhance each looking and warfare by a thousand p.c.
Subsequent you’re going to inform me that Irish folks don’t put on inexperienced each day.
Cease telling me to settle down—I’m not overreacting. I demand to talk to whoever is in control of the native soundscape. The entire lack of squeezebox is wreaking havoc with the ambiance. And don’t inform me to return and ask that fellow behind the counter on the boulangerie if I’m in Paris. I did ask him, however he simply made a impolite gesture, muttered one thing that seemed like “imbécile,” and went on strike. That’s not useful to anyone.
Do these folks don’t have any pleasure of their musical heritage? Did they overturn the monarchy for nothing? The accordion is their euphonious birthright! If ever there was a criminal offense that known as for the guillotine, it’s the entire lack of accordion music I’m listening to proper now.
I assume what I’m saying is: for those who ever take me to Scotland, there rattling properly higher be bagpipes.
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