Dear Morrisgate Township residents,

The Morrisgate Duck Race at Riverbend Park is a 40+ 12 months custom, bringing this neighborhood collectively to cheer alongside our neighbors as a whole bunch of rubber geese are launched off of the Veterans Memorial Footbridge, making their manner downstream for an opportunity to win some neat prizes.

Whereas the Duck Race is meant as a light-hearted, family-friendly competitors (and a significant fundraiser for our native colleges), because of the “incidents” eventually 12 months’s occasion, now we have been pressured to institute the next guidelines for taking part on this 12 months’s race:

  1. No scalping Duck Race tickets.
  2. No counterfeiting Duck Race tickets.
  3. No stay geese, even when they’re on a leash.
  4. No glass bottles.
  5. No breaking glass bottles.
  6. No threatening Duck Race volunteers with damaged glass bottles.
  7. No side-betting on the geese. (Whereas it pains us to take action, now we have additionally dropped DraftKings as a company sponsor.)
  8. No coughing the phrase “bullshit” when the mayor says the race is “all in good enjoyable.”
  9. No pelting the mayor with pinecones.
  10. No wading into the water after the rubber geese are dropped from the bridge to search out your duck and throw it towards the end line.
  11. No submerging oneself beneath the waterline and utilizing a hole reed to breathe by means of whereas sporting goggles to go looking the underside of every duck on your ticket quantity.
  12. No taking pictures BB weapons on the geese to impede or enhance their progress.
  13. No urinating on the geese to impede or enhance their progress.
  14. No hid or open-carry rubber geese allowed on the Riverbend Park grounds in the course of the occasion.
  15. No gas-powered geese.
  16. No promoting of T-shirts that includes lewd, vulgar, or sexual imagery of rubber geese and people “Doin’ it Ducky Fashion.”
  17. Equally, no such photographs could also be displayed on flags, banners, poster boards, as tattoos on any uncovered elements of the physique, or airbrushed on the aspect of a van.
  18. No racist chants concerning the non-yellow rubber geese.
  19. No burning effigies of the mayor in case your duck doesn’t win.
  20. No burning effigies of the mayor in case your duck does win.
  21. No calling any little one who wins one of many $10 Sweetie’s Ice Cream Store present certificates “an entitled little leech.”
  22. No burning effigies of youngsters.
  23. No identity-concealing duck costumes (besides, per custom, the mayor’s partner who can be dressed up as our mascot, Fortunate the Ducky).
  24. No kidnapping Fortunate the Ducky.
  25. No public statements denying the Duck Race outcomes or demanding a re-race.
  26. No calling the mayor a “traitor” and forcing them to instantly resign in public with terror-stricken, tear-filled eyes whereas underneath assault from a barrage of damaged glass and pinecones.
  27. No declarations of Riverbend Park as a sovereign, anarchist city-state.
  28. No spoken or written vows for “revenge.”
  29. No dyeing the river waters to appear like blood.
  30. No garden chairs larger than 12” off the bottom, so our littlest Duck Racers can see all of the motion!

Please abide by these guidelines, and let’s make subsequent week’s Morrisgate Duck Race a splashing success.

Sincerely,

Sheriff Magnus Hargrave, Interim Mayor (by authority of martial regulation)

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