Well, Mr. Horgenfliegen, below regular circumstances, we’d be joyful to give you employment right here at Waterhouse, Waterhouse, and Waterhouse. In spite of everything, your CV is superb, your cowl letter is in English, and also you attended the identical theatre camp as our CEO.
Nonetheless, once we ran our routine background test, we discovered one thing alarming.
Apparently, if you had been eleven years outdated, you stated you needed to go to the toilet throughout church, however as a substitute you stole three baggage of Werther’s Originals that had been stashed within the workplace cupboard. And when it was introduced up on the subsequent Sunday service, you let Paul Beerus blame the janitor again and again till they lastly agreed to exchange her with a fleet of Roombas.
Naturally, such a scandalous motion would solid a pall over the whole group, so we might be terminating our provide of employment forthwith. We belief you will discover a office extra appropriate to your character. Like WalMart.
Hello, is that this John? John Horgenfliegen?
Hello, John, it’s Mandy, I simply wished to name and allow you to know that I’m going to must cancel our date for tonight. Your Hinge profile appears to be like nice—you already know I really like The Workplace!—however my girlfriends informed me to do a background test, and, effectively, we discovered that for an entire six months of junior yr you bought actually, actually into Physician Who and Sherlock. Like, fanfiction stage.
In response to this report, you wore a blazer and bowtie to class, stated phrases like “indubitably,” and sure, even affected a bizarre type of semi-British accent, as if the individuals in school didn’t already know the way you talked—and as in case you weren’t from southern Virginia.
Clearly, I don’t wish to be a jerk or something, however that is the form of habits I can’t actually permit within the gene pool. I’ve reported your hinge account and posted all your data on the Unhealthy Dudes of New York Fb group. I hope you atone with your self!
Alright, Mr. Horgenfliegen, the whole lot appears to be so as. You’ve proof of eighty instances hire, a number of guarantors, and also you handed our credit score pull with flying colours. There’s simply your background test left, and–
Oh. Oh no.
Mr. Horgenfliegen, are you conscious of this? It says right here in your background test that you just actually by no means realized to swim. How do you not know tips on how to swim?
Moreover, it says right here that your school truly had a compulsory swim take a look at that you just delay till the week earlier than commencement, after which, if you lastly took it, you didn’t swim a whole lap even one time and as a substitute needed to lie about having a medical situation to ensure that the “didn’t full” to not present up in your transcript.
In most circumstances, I wouldn’t reject a tenant with no felony conviction or a pack of combating canines, however this makes me sick. You’re blacklisted from our rental properties, and I’ll be alerting the opposite space landlords to this data.
Have enjoyable dwelling in a field!
Now, Mr. Horgenfliegen, I don’t know what you’re taking part in at right here. You realize that our financial institution can solely provide a mortgage to these with out… unsavory pasts.
Sadly, your background test returned a number of purple flags.
From roughly 2016 till 2017, you had an entire period the place you had been doing “softboy” Twitter posts, and we now have onerous proof that you just purposefully turned off the caps lock in your iPhone and posted about your favourite beanie infants with a view to attraction to bisexual Tumblr ladies. Our background test additionally alerted us to a number of Jomny Solar retweets.
Now, our financial institution has handled criminals earlier than—Lord is aware of, we hosted Jeffrey Epstein’s fund for many years—however a background this horrifying is actually past the pale. We now have denied your mortgage and might be freezing your property, efficient instantly.
Mr. Horgenfliegen, usually we’d be curious about providing you enrollment in our graduate program right here at Dunwald Neighborhood Faculty. In spite of everything, we all know that grad college is absolutely the final resort of an individual with no alternate options or prospects left of their life. Nonetheless, your background test knowledgeable us of some deeply troubling data.
We now have realized that you just as soon as used your roommate’s toothbrush to scrub kief out of a grinder, you as soon as dated a woman for eight months since you by chance stated “I really like you” on the primary date, and also you had been often known as “the fart man” on the JV baseball workforce.
We now have been knowledgeable about your ingrown toenail drawback, your oddly bushy again, and your recurring earwax points.
We all know what these stains on the wall are from. We learn about the entire “poetry part.” We all know concerning the beret.
We learn about your crippling self-doubt, your concern of rejection, your inner ache, all the stuff you wish to deny, wish to power down into your self however can’t.
And, Mr. Horgenfliegen, our background test has knowledgeable us that you’ve got bizarre balls.
Sadly, you have to perceive why this confluence of data makes it inconceivable for us to increase our prior provide right now. Cordially, and with all due respect, take into account ending issues.
Or apply to Brown. They’ll take anybody.
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