The social media website Reddit efficiently launched an IPO final week that raised $748 million. The Onion examines what Reddit customers can anticipate now that the corporate has gone public.
Women Will Be Allowed To Log On
Some Actually Nice Furry Erotica Will Most likely Be Taken Down
This isn’t pornography. That is erotic artwork. It’s like eradicating a Caravaggio as a result of it depicts the human type in all its pathos and glory. Fucking terrible.
We’re All Going To Be Wealthy
Feedback Will Value Customers Per Phrase
Reddit will start charging customers $0.30 for each phrase they write in a remark, with the intense facet being that each tenth phrase is free.
Reddit Will Go Out Of Print
A significant disappointment for Redditors who most well-liked the print model of the favored discussion board, Reddit will now go the way in which of Seventeen and InStyle and be on-line solely.
One other Torch Will Be Extinguished By The Rapacious Fingers Of Capital
No extra illumination for you within the already gloomy world. Darker and darker and darker…
Some Wall Road Dealer Is Going To Get A Stunning New Manhattan Penthouse
There’s even a heated pool on the roof! Not Olympic measurement, however nonetheless! It’ll be nice for events.
Reddit Will Now Be Coated In Adverts For Reddit
In an effort to extend income and its consumer base, Reddit shall be closely promoted on Reddit in hopes of accelerating visitors to Reddit.
r/EveryoneWhoInvestsInRedditIsAPedophile Will Be Taken Offline
The favored subreddit shall be shuttered with out clarification, prompting a lot confusion.
Males’s Rights Activists And White Supremacists Will Be Completely Unaffected
The Firm Will Change Its Identify To Meta
It simply sounds extra business-y, ?
Reddit Mascot Now Sporting Swimsuit
The Reddit mascot was not in compliance with newly instituted workplace gown codes and was threatened with rapid termination if it didn’t gown up for potential buyers.
Threatening PMs From Manufacturers
Redditors can anticipate to see an uptick in dying threats and sexual harassment of their private message inboxes from advertisers like Amazon Prime, Verizon, and Cheez-Its.
Customers’ Computer systems Will Be Confiscated
Sorry, each gadget used to kind on Reddit now belongs to its shareholders.
The Solely Sexual Content material That Will Stay On The Website Is A Single Picture Of Alan Alda’s Naked Nipple
And the r/MASH subreddit couldn’t be extra thrilled.
It Will Now Value $15 Per Month To Ship Lewd Messages To Ladies
In the event you’d wish to harass ladies on the brand new Reddit, you’ll must pay a $15/month sexual predator charge.
No Longer Allowed To Cuss
The banned phrases will vary from conventional vulgarities like “fuck” and “bitch” to “fool,” “hate,” “homosexual,” and “hump.”
Reddit CEO Will Personally Reasonable All 2 Million Subreddits
The one technique to make certain that the neighborhood pointers are adopted is to have CEO Steve Huffman comb by way of every of the billions of feedback on the tens of millions of subreddits one after the other.
They’ll Carry Again r/BeatingWomen
Hey, if it’s worthwhile, then it’s worthwhile.
The Satan Will Return And Destroy Everybody On Earth
As soon as Reddit goes public, Devil will return on his horse and be sure that each residing individual on the face of the earth is vanquished and dragged right down to hell for all eternity.
Customers Will Have To Ship In A Pube
With the intention to confirm their id and make sure they’re over 18, customers should mail a single pube to Reddit HQ.
An AI-Powered AMA With Mr. Peanut
All customers’ burning questions on Planters’ all-new rosemary and sea salt cashews can lastly be answered.
Life Merely Gained’t Be As Vibrant, As Colourful As It As soon as Was
Instantly, the enjoyable and pleasure you initially felt whereas utilizing a web site that basically felt it was made for individuals such as you by individuals like you may be gone perpetually, solely to turn into a distant reminiscence.
It Will Nonetheless Be A Cesspool Of Perverts, Dorks, And Weirdos
No matter whether or not the web site is public or personal, Reddit will perpetually be a horrible conglomeration of a few of the worst individuals on the planet.
r/NoFap Will Be Price Extra Than Your Home
The neighborhood web page for individuals who refuse to masturbate shall be value greater than the most important funding you’ll make in your whole life.
Reddit Might Develop Past Its Present 5 Members
Ought to it go public, the less than a dozen members on the web site might need to permit their small, intimate neighborhood to broaden.
