Hey My Man,
I’m dropping you a line on this encrypted messaging service to examine in about some latest modifications to my enterprise mannequin. There’s some huge cash pouring into the narcotics house proper now, and I needed in, so… I bought out to MegaTech. If you happen to can’t beat ‘em, joint ‘em, proper?
It’s nonetheless me, the identical previous Gary, however now I’m backed by a mega-cap company behemoth. You may simply name me Gary Supply Dropped at You by MegaTech. Don’t fear; I nonetheless deal with the standard management aspect of issues—ensuring you get the very best product potential—however my new associate MegaTech (they’ve very a lot harassed that it is a partnership, not a takeover) takes care of all of the logistics and UX, phrases I discovered three minutes in the past.
As an alternative of getting me come to your own home, not take my footwear off, and use your rest room with out permission, now you can choose up your stuff in a conveniently positioned MegaHub locker. Simply scan your retinas and voila! No, you’re not simply being paranoid: MegaTech will completely use your biodata for third-party advertising and marketing functions. However simply consider the comfort whilst you smash that “settle for phrases and circumstances” button, bro.
In an effort to fight world warming and appease our ESG-minded traders, the Gary staff goes carbon impartial. Bear in mind my previous Ford Windstar that I generally made you come sit in? , the one with the sick mini-fridge? MegaTech is changing it with a fleet of electrical vehicles that may clog up most main cities by 2025.
A brand new function unique to Gary Supply dropped at you by MegaTech is the Entire Meals mannequin of substitutions. Like Entire Meals buyers, I may also offer you nearly no matter I really feel like. You needed pot? Sorry, we’re out of that. How about some free tablets? I don’t take into account the impact you have been going for or your funds—you get no matter we’ve got, and what we largely have is Stevia that I let you know is Ketamine.
People such as you should really feel like the companies you patronize care about you. And we do. If you happen to’re having an issue, chat with one among our buyer success bots, and we’ll determine tips on how to treatment the scenario. Did your product arrive half-used? Sorry about that! Laced with rat poison? We’ll do higher subsequent time! We promise.
Notice to prospects having a nasty journey: our brokers are right here to speak you down between 9 AM and seven PM EST Monday by means of Friday. Good luck to all of the weekend warriors on the market—you’re by yourself.
Belief me once I let you know that thrilling issues are occurring over right here. Like our new members-only service Gary Plus. Paying $185 a 12 months ceaselessly gives you the unique proper to spend as a lot cash as you need! Neat, proper? You may even activate automated re-buys, turning your “behavior” right into a “subscription.”
Nonetheless not satisfied that these are constructive modifications? Right here’s a sampling of 5-star critiques of latest deliveries:
Cocaine: Gary is a LEGEND! FIVE STARS! WOO!!!!
Marijuana: received it from a locker prefer it’s highschool lol.
Ambien: [this comment was deleted for violating community guidelines].
Adderall: I simply cleaned the bath six occasions and we don’t also have a bathtub 5 stars thank u Gary.
These outcomes communicate for themselves. We’re bringing you the neighborhood really feel of a mom-and-pop store alongside the inaccessible coldness of a multinational pseudo-monopoly. What extra might you need? Severely, click on the hyperlink and register proper now. Do it! Gary Plus Day is simply across the nook, and the offers can be too dank to overlook.
Warmly,
Gary (Dropped at You by MegaTech)
P.S. Don’t overlook to submit these retinal scans.
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