Whereas there are apparent crimson flags akin to being a person who’s weak, insufficient, or listener, The Onion gives a useful information to indicators that you simply most likely are a beta male.
Below 1’3″
This top really would possibly counsel you’re a dormouse.
Incapacity To Maintain Erection For Longer Than 97 Years
Alpha males keep arduous lengthy after their physique has began moldering.
Buying For Meals At A Grocery Retailer
Alphas hunt or fuck their approach to a meal.
Lack Of Vestigial Tail
Alphas are in a position to whip their opponents throughout the face, thus assuring sexual dominance.
Can’t Do A Somersault For Mommy
You’ll have impressed Mommy a lot, however as an alternative you fucking ruined her day, you cuck piece of shit.
Your Penis Is 12 Inches Lengthy
Whereas alphas have penises which might be so lengthy they contact the ground, betas have micropenises that may be as small as 12 inches flaccid.
You Are A Human Being, Cursed With Understanding That You Are Imperfect And Understanding That You May Be So A lot Extra
Sadly, perceiving the simultaneous splendid grace and humiliation of simply being alive suggests you’re nothing greater than a lowly beta.
Loved ‘Banshees Of Inisherin,’ However Didn’t Actually ‘Get’ It
The truth that you suppose you might want to “get” one thing about Martin McDonagh’s tragicomic writing with a purpose to admire his work suggests you’re an effete half-man.
You Ask For Consent Earlier than Taking Each Chunk Of A Hamburger
Alphas don’t even watch for the animal to die earlier than sinking their tooth in.
Toes Don’t Twist Off And Detach
Needs to be springs beneath there that it’s important to substitute each two years.
Pink, Rotund, And In a position To Inhale Enemies To Save Planet Popstar
If that is you, simply hand over. You’re by no means going to discover a date.
You Are No Muss No Fuss
Alphas make a considerable quantity of each muss and fuss.
Solely Having One Penis
You Have By no means Run With A Calf Upon Your Shoulders Each Day Till It Grew to become A Full-Grown Ox, After Which You Butchered And Ate It In The Heart Of The Olympic Stadium
Milo of Croton would really like a phrase.
You Personal Pajamas
Alpha males work, stay, and sleep in finely tailor-made fits.
Felony Background Test Reveals A Clear File
There Are Barely Any Girls Dangling From Your Massive Biceps
An alpha would by no means step into public with fewer than 20.
You Are Evan Davis Of 2269 Oak Ridge Drive, Seattle, Washington 98108
You might be worse than beta. You might be scum.
You Aren’t At the moment Penetrating Something
You’re Nonetheless An Editorial Assistant After Extra Than 4 Years Toiling Away At ‘Dazzle’ Journal
An alpha male would have landed your dream gig of senior vogue editor years in the past. Guess you’re not reduce out for this enterprise in spite of everything.
Veins Do Not Bulge Out From Your Bald Head
Worse but, you cowl them in dainty hairs.
You Ejaculate With out Impregnating Something
Physiologically, the seed of a real alpha male may impregnate a pillow.
Bards Don’t Write Ballads Lauding Your Great Bodily Power
Any alpha male is aware of that by the point you’re 30, there ought to be an entire band of lute gamers following you from city to city with a purpose to file your feats.
Stepping Out Of The Bathe Onto A Curler Skate That Propels You Towards The Stairs And Bounces Down Every Step Earlier than You Head Straight Out The Door With Nothing However A Towel On
An alpha would by no means conceal his manhood with a towel.
Have Been Caught In A Effectively For 20 Years
Irrespective of how a lot betas scream and scream, they may by no means emerge from the effectively.
You Do Not Mate With The Different Elephants
Oof, nothing says “solitary non-breeding male” greater than failing to supply any calves.
Harem Retains Making Excuses Why They Can’t Cling Out Tonight
Is your harem actually holding a concubines-only film marathon evening, or are you simply low T?
Consuming With Your Mouth
For those who don’t know, you don’t know. It’s not one thing we are able to train.
Birds Do Not Worry You
They’re very perceptive to the various levels of manliness.
