NEW YORK—Describing the pattern as a severe risk to the well-being of native dimwits, New York’s Metropolitan Transportation Authority reported a pointy uptick Thursday within the variety of dopey riders who leap in entrance of trains as a result of they only dropped their lollipop down there and so they wish to get it again. “We’re seeing a troubling enhance in bumbling simpletons clambering down onto the tracks to retrieve an outsized lollipop earlier than a prepare can smash it to items and spoil their particular deal with,” stated MTA CEO Janno Lieber, who famous that these hapless morons typically continued blundering round on the tracks even when a prepare may very well be heard approaching within the tunnel and commuters on the platform had been yelling that there was no time. “Sadly, it’s no use attempting to carry again these dopes or promise them they’ll get one other, even greater lollipop later if they only keep put. They’ll solely reply, ‘Nevertheless it’s my lollipop—it’ll get soiled down there!’ after which scramble free. By the point they choose up the sweet after which stand there for a number of minutes selecting off any seen grime or litter, it’s typically too late.” Lieber went on to announce the rollout of a “You’ll Muss Up Your Sailor Swimsuit” security marketing campaign that includes adverts through which terrified nitwits wearing nautical garb are seen standing in entrance of a subway’s blazing headlights.
